http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-10-15T15:59:19-07:00 2 daily http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html Got to get something off my chest here, something that pisses me off. If you sell something, if you rent something out to someone, if you successfully trade for something, then take the god damn ad off of craigslist. Seriously. What are you, bragging? "Eww, look at me, I'm so smart. I sold something. And you'll never get it. La la la. Sold sold sold." <br> <br> What I don't get is the mindset. Like you sell something to someone. You put a blue coleman cooler on craiglist. Some person phones you up, emails you, and they say "hey, word up, I need a blue coleman cooler. Sell it to me. I'll buy it off you for 8 dollars." And you are smiling, thinking "no shit? 8 bucks? 2 more dollars and I'm in the double digits. Lucky day." So you arrange a meeting over 4 emails and buckaroo shows up with ten bucks hoping you've got a twoonie change. And you do. You jumped in the couch, throwing the cushions all willy nilly, here and there, cousteau'ing for some change and you find it and you have it in your pocket but you are kind of pissed off because this guy knew it was 8 dollars and he didn't take the time to get change? What the fuck. Motherfucker. But you are honest and you just kind of want to get rid of that blue coleman cooler so you're like "yeah, I got two dollars change." But buddy, he wants to check the cooler out first. He opens the lid, gives it a look, kicks the tire sort of thing. Sold. He gives you a ten and you give him a two and you'll never remember the colour of each other's eyes. <br> <br> And then what do you do? You log on to your stupid email account, click the link to your ad, and you edit it. You put SOLD at the end of your craigslist ad. You could have pushed the delete button. Could have just gotten rid of the ad forever. But instead you EDIT the fucking posting so now every time someone is looking for a blue coleman cooler they have to see your hairy ad mocking everyone. <br> <br> 2 Bedroom Apartment for rent - RENTED. What the fuck is that about? If I wanted to peruse rented apartment buildings I'd walk around the block. Rented. Rented. Rented. They're all rented. Every house, every apartment in my neighbourhood has lights on at night. People live there. The habitats are all RENTED. I don't need you hopping on to the craiglist and letting me know that yours too is now rented. Sorry, RENTED! You missed out slouch! You slacker mother fucker. That's what your ad is telling me. "Hey slacker motherfucker. Screw you pal. Should have needed this yesterday, you prick." <br> <br> I hope the next time you go to a restaurant every thing you order has already been ate. What's the soup of the day? It's the soup of yesterday. SOLD. How's the pasta? Al Dente? No. Al RENTED. Why is the menu blank? Because we sold everything on the menu so we TOOK IT ALL OFF THE MENU. In fact, this isn't even a restaurant anymore. Now it's a god damn tire shop. Sorry for the confusion. We probably shouldn't be running ads saying we have food SOLD OUT. We are open CLOSED. My favourite colour is blue RED * UPDATE * GREEN. <br> <br> Other than that, I think everything is great and I hope you have a fantastic day. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Craigslist <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-15T15:59:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html This ad SOLD, This ad RENTED text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1422208953.html <br> Big grade gelding. Been used as a pickup horse until he got hooked by a bull. Think he has a split personality, some days he's great, some days he's a real prick. No secrets here, you need to tranq him to shoe him or he will try and kick your head off. He has been used for branding, moving cows, ranch roping ect. And like I said, some days he is great, we have had beginner riders on him and they have done fine, I have ridden him in the hills or gathered on him and he was fine,He is not great to catch, although we have him turmed out on 140 acres so he can leave if he wants, but in a smaller pen he is much better. he just needs someone that isnt going to take his shit on a regular basis. He needs to be taken and used. If you are looking for a horse that you can ride twice a year, well then this is not the horse for you., But if you use your horse as often as you change your pants then he will probably suit you perfect. We bought him with the intention of selling him and because we have more than enough horses he has gone to the bottom of the priority barrel. He is not a horse for the faint hearted, if you are handy and need a project or if you think you are handy and need to try and prove it. I think he is about 11 years old. 15.3 hands. Anwsers to the name of Dick. Ok, he doesn't anwser, thats just what I call him. $2,500 obo. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Stevensville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-15T00:54:27-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1422208953.html Big Grade Gelding text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html You SERIOUSLY, with a straight face, typed that you wanted someone to edit your novel for $25...... <br> <br> Bud, you take the Craigslist idiot cake. You really do. I have seen some pretty low lowball ads in here, but you just took it to a whole 'nother level of low. <br> <br> WTF? I mean it. What the hell is in your crack pipe? <br> <br> Tell you what. Why don't you hike your ass over here paint my house for $45. The whole thing, front yard to back yard. two stories. Don't forget the garage. <br> <br> No, better yet. Hope about you rebuild my Explorer transmission for $62. <br> <br> Or, can you replace all the pluming in my house for $87.46 <br> <br> And then, when you are done, I'll edit your fucking novel for $25. <br> <br> You people... I swear... <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-14T20:49:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html re: novel editor wanted by an idiot text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/1420282302.html Looking to get rid of this childen's size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy! Christmas is coming up soon so don't miss this one!! <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Lawrence KS <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-13T18:55:52-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/1420282302.html Children's guillotine text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1420147998.html I want to flush your head repeatedly in the toilet while making love to your behind. Hall & Oates will be playing at top volume, at some point "Highway to the Danger Zone" will be played for sure. My house smells amazing and my penis is not sick or deformed. Don't act like you haven't thought about this exact scenario before. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-13T18:21:41-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1420147998.html Can I flush your head in a toilet while blasting Hall &amp; Oates? m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1417383871.html When I smelled and retched at the surprise that had been left in my broken in car, I knew instantly that I could google for "shit in my car" and that I would find someone in San Francisco that had had this terrible thing happen to them as well. And sure enough, you are the first hit when said terms are googled for (a best of CL no less, I would post the URL for you convenience, but the TOS bars that). ONLY in San Francisco is having your car shit in a common enough experience that you could form an online support group for it. This was definitely one of the lower points of my life that I don't tweet or broadcast, the only other incident was being sexiled out of the hotel room in Manhattan that I had paid by a girl that I was chasing who decided to hook up with someone else at the same conference. <br> <br> I read your post and I felt an immediate solidarity with you. My poor Honda Civic has been through a lot, really the gamut of auto drama that life in San Francisco can bring: broken into more times than I care to recall, towed and held hostage in the city tow lots, borrowed by housemates who decide pack their whole stash of weed in plain sight get high and then commit a hit and run and get pulled over, getting inundated in dust storms at burning man... One time I even forgot to lock my car after parking it in the Tenderloin and found somebody sleeping in it when I got back. But this one truly tops it off :( <br> <br> Like you, oh anonymous poster, I'm a real softie -- I give money, food, cigarettes and if I'm particularly drunk even carry on conversations to all the people on the street in my neighborhood. I know their stories and half of them by name, and I know that almost all of these characters are really nice people. But like the anonymous poster, this time I feel more withdrawn, not just from the streets of the city, but people around me. I know it will pass in a couple of days, but I know somewhere out there a person that crapped in my car for absolutely no other reason (there was NOTHING to steal in my car) than they could :(. Could you really be so malicious as to shit in the driver's seat, barring me from moving the car and avoiding a ticket when the street cleaning comes about? <br> <br> Here is my post of solidarity to you, woman who also had her car shit in. If by chance you see this posting, maybe you can drop me a line and I can take you out to coffee and you can show me your cute fetish boots, and I'll show you my cute hair braids, and we can transform this difficult experience into a magical synchronicity that we wouldn't trade the world for -- the type of experience that can happen ONLY in San Francisco. <br> <br> Oh and even if you aren't this mystery poster, but you have had similar fecal experiences, feel free to reply and relate, I'd love to hear your stories. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-11T23:52:35-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1417383871.html Solidarity to the woman who also had her car crapped in - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1412481974.html I was going to sing you an epic poem rife with soft, alluring words, but Calliope withheld her inspiration. It would have been a masterpiece; it would be funny, engaging, charming, and sure to show my awesome intelligence. It would have clearly and convincingly demonstrated that I am interested in all the things that you are interested in, and that we disagree on little more than favorite gelato flavors (and even then, only in unimportant ways). <br> <br> You’d have laughed at my witticisms about zombies and physics, been impressed with my deep and noteworthy thoughts on Tom Stoppard, Cormac McCarthy and my preference for Newton over Leibniz. My taste in video games would have nicely complemented [notice the correct usage, please] yours. You’d appreciate my allusions to internet dating articles about word choice and usage that craigslist won’t let me link. You’d be struck instantly with the realization that I was the Mario to your Luigi, the Hall to your Oates, the Kevin Bacon to your Lori Singer. <br> <br> I’d have included a picture. You’d have been smitten with me: my delicate crow’s feet, angular but welcoming features, big brown eyes with just a tint of green, non-ironic pearl-snaps and well-heeled boots, mussed but close-cropped brown hair with natural highlights, the slightly off-center blemish on my rather large nose—compounding two minor imperfections, making me just imperfect enough to be approachable—distracting you from realizing that my five o’clock shadow and seemingly uncultivated eyebrows are, upon closer inspection, carefully manicured. You’d have realized that the attention I’d obviously paid to my looks arose not from solipsism or vanity, but from just a hint of insecurity from my slender yet well-defined frame. <br> <br> You’d have reposted my ad on your facebook, linked it around on gchat. Your friends would be smitten, too. We’d trade a few emails to make sure the other was real. Eventually, one of us would work up the nerve to strike up a casual conversation over gchat (using our integrated AIM clients, a throwback to a more innocent day before Google had integrated everything, back when using the internet was a challenge, reserved for those select nerds with the wherewithal to master it). Or, it would appear to be casual; we’d be trying so very hard to make it casual—itself a form of poetry. We’d do that delicate dancing that two people do as they feel each other out, trying to discern if the other was interested without being too direct or tipping our own hand. <br> <br> We’d trade ironic interests, trying to one up another’s humor: you’d claim you were on a campaign to satisfy your irrational hatred of Stevia-based sweeteners, I’d claim to love cutting out other people's faces on family photos and putting my own in their places. We’d share a few humor links, but we’d both pretend that we were far funnier than those humor artists—that only we could properly appreciate the failings of those articles while simultaneously appreciating them for what they were. <br> <br> Eventually we’d agree to get coffee at some place with a fair trade option for you and something just above Folger’s for me. You’d walk in, and I’d be left breathless by how beautiful you were, even prettier than your pictures suggested. We’d greet in delicate, slightly lisping tones, and a spark would pass between us (and not just because I had been furiously rubbing the carpet in an attempt to generate static electricity just for that moment). We’d have a great time, hit it off, and do it again. We’d wait for just the right time to hook up—not because we were drunk, not because we were lonely, but because we couldn’t wait any longer. The sex would likely be mediocre at best, but neither of us would even realize that. We’d be stunned at how right and comfortable everything felt, even those few days immediately after the first hook up where neither one of us is sure what the hell the other one thinks. It would have been so wonderful, ripped straight from a storybook (the very ones we had made so much fun of, just to show that we were the proper level of jaded. “It only happens that way in Disney movies,” we’d have said). It’d be our little joke, amusing because it worked out so well. <br> <br> But unfortunately Calliope withheld her inspiration. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Austin, TX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-08T14:23:39-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1412481974.html Sing to me, O Muse, seductively sibilant strains, inspiring my spirit text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html <br> I think it's time for a worse swear than "cunt". It used to be that was the absolute top of the swearing hierarchy. You could stop any discussion just by flashing the joker of all swear words. I mean... wow. Cunt. it's got two hard consonants. Not only that, but they are at the beginning and at the end. Come in with a crash, go out with a bang. And the 'u' gives it that really short syllable sound. See, the word "fuck" is similar, but it's just too undecided. First off, it begins with sort of a foo foo sounding letter... fffff, I mean what's that? Then as far as the meaning, well it's just not focused enough... could be a noun, could be a verb... you can combine it with other words, there's just no direction. Make up your mind. Now... "cunt", there's a word that knows exactly what it's trying to say. It doesn't need a context. But now everyone's on the cunt bandwagon, and it's just not the same anymore. There isn't that thrill of "ooohhh, who's gonna top that?". It's just mundane everyday now. We need something that can be applied to anyone, an equal opportunity word like fuck or cunt but worse. Cuck? Nah, that's too much like cock. What about Funt? No, that just sounds like gay football or something. So, anyway, if someone's got any ideas... run it by the rnr panel of judges, and we'll let you know if yours is a winner. For now, let's slow down on the usage of cunt... like antibiotics. And don't forget to wash your ass. <br> <br> This has been a public service announcement. <br> <br> . <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: time to tighten the scrotum strap <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-07T11:06:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html The word "cunt" has lost its edge text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1409171984.html This day began next to a man you don’t know in your bed. Maybe you like him, you think. You examine his face while he sleeps. No, you do not like him. He wakes up and starts speaking and you like him even less. This man is friends with your boss, whom you also woke up next to at one point in your life, not so long ago, okay, eight months ago, fuck, what were you thinking, shit, after a similar evening. That is why you are eating grape jelly and butter sandwhiches as quickly as you can make them, naked, in your kitchen at three in the afternoon. You see your reflection in the window in front of you, and you realize there is grape jelly on your left boob. You do not look pretty. You are wolfing sandwiches the way that Russian feral child that Jane made you watch Youtube videos about would probably wolf sandwiches, were she given any. You wonder if she was given sandwiches. You love sandwiches. The sandwiches don’t make this day better. Everything you did last night, you regretted. You knew you were creating regrets as you did things. But you did those things anyway. <br> The man, even before he gets out of your bed, has already told you that he wouldn’t be able to live without his mother and that he photographs buttons for a living. Oh my god you need a sandwich. <br> Not a martini. Because that is what got you into this mess. <br> You go to breakfast, because you realize that if you make the man go to breakfast with you he will not be in your bed anymore. You hate him in your bed, almost as much as you hate him in you. <br> He’s very nice. He really is. Very self deprecating. Not wittily so, just sort of down on himself and awkward. Oh no. Okay here we go. <br> No, you’re not lame at all. I’m lame because I am going to smile and nod politely through this breakfast and then I will give you a dry kiss before I get out of your car and then I will never, ever sleep with you again. And you have no idea. I am a dick. I am such a dick. <br> You eat half your eggs, box up the rest, irrationally scold this man you don’t know who you had sex with for not taking home his breakfast. He doesn’t eat leftovers. You’ve been known to eat out of a dumpster. Not really, but kind of. Who is this guy, jeez. So, you eat the eggs, and then take the rest home, and then start going through your phone and apologetically texting everyone you texted the night before. You don’t remember sending those texts, you’re sorry. You were possessed. Possessed by Stoli. You suddenly realize you didn’t use a condom, you need to be tested for stds, and- awesome- you need to go buy the morning after pill so that you don’t get pregnant with Chase’s (Chase, that’s his name, right?) baby. Fuck. Which you can’t afford. There is jizz on your bath towel. Fuck. <br> Also, you don’t like your hair. Also, you are not allowed to drink anymore, or go out. Or anything. You hate men. You hate sex. You hate body hair. You hate your sheets. They need to be washed. That much is crystal clear. <br> You eat your leftovers. <br> You are reminded of this time that you and your ex boyfriend who broke up with you without warning three weeks ago went to brunch. He got eggs and you got a seared tuna salad. It was the most amazing salad you ever had in your whole life. You were so hung over, and it tasted so beautiful, like the ocean and childhood and love. The perfect greens were perfectly coated in a perfect balsamic vinagrette. Chilled roasted potatoes and tomatoes, perfectly seasoned and salted, were layered with hunks of snowy, fluffy goat cheese. A row of thick, purple slices of tuna encrusted in black pepper topped the whole perfect thing. It was amazing and you wanted to put the whole fucking plate in your mouth at once, but you couldn’t finish it, you got full, and your then boyfriend took home the leftovers, his and yours, and the salad called to you all day while you were at work. And you worked a double. You worked twelve hours of hell, and your leftover salad was the beacon of light at the end of the dark tunnel that was your shitty, shitty, shitty fucking day. And you finally clocked out at work, and rode your bike in the cold rain all the way home to your then boyfriend’s apartment, and you took off your clothes and kissed him and put on pajamas and padded into the cold dark kitchen and opened the fridge to find his pancakes and no salad. Your shitty, shitty, shitty fucking then boyfriend, now ex boyfriend, ate your leftovers and not his own, because, as he said when you asked him about the situation, without taking his eyes off of the TV, “yours looked better.” Which is true, it did, but it was yours and he didn't really care about that, and you wanted it, and he didn't care much about that either, you see that now and you suddenly want that salad so bad, so bad, so bad. <br> And you’re thinking about this as you sit in your bed with your keys and your jizz covered towel and several People magazines and you think <br> Oh my God. I need a fucking sandwich, <br> And <br> What a dick. I don’t miss him at all. <br> And <br> Why the fuck doesn’t Chase eat leftovers? Sooooo good. Jeez. <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-06T14:05:43-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1409171984.html This is not a good day. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html Tired, achy, worn-down 39 year old seeks to trade one weekend with his 20 year old former self. 20 year old former self will get a gut, thinning hair, bills, a honey-do list a mile long, a soul-killing job, and the realization that it's going to be another 26 years to retirement. Tired, achy, worn down 39 year old will get a flat stomach, chest and arm muscles, a full head of hair, and access to keg parties and tipsy 18 year old college women. More than willing to make this a permanent thing. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Fairfax, VA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-04T21:51:12-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited life text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1403256967.html If you like party's, event's, photo shoot's, and bicycle's, but don't know that plural word's don't require apostrophe's, then please contact me before any posting's. I will gladly proofread so I don't have to read another mis-apostrophed ad in search for a gig that better fit's me. Thank's. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-02T12:20:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1403256967.html wanted: girl's who know how to use apostrophe's text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1402815099.html I've been lurking for a while, but recently I've been too overcome by passion to remain in the shadows. Every time you post a correction to a previous post I get an enormous girl-boner. It's such a turn-on when you scour public listings looking for mistakes. Damn...is there anything hotter than pointing out the flaws of others? <br> I don't know your exact identity, but I've seen clues all over town. Like the little correction marks on bathroom stalls. I'll admit that I've overstayed my welcome in said bathroom stalls. Those little circles and hatch marks got me so excited that I just sat there and fingered myself while other patrons pounded the door. You're right. That IS the wrong "your". Mmmmmmm....Bliss. <br> Sometime I want to meet you in person. I'll bring my red pen and we can print out Missed Connections and giggle about how fucking stupid everyone is. Then maybe later we can circle the freckles and blemishes on our bodies. The mistakes that make us ugly. Make sure you get that big birthmark on my waist. If that was an English paper, I would never even pass Comp. 1. And the scar on my wrist is the equivalent of using a preposition at the end of a sentence. Fucking gross. I know you can fix me. Do they make White-Out in flesh tones? <br> You and I both know that proper grammar is the most important factor in someone's attractiveness, and with a little work I know we can go together like Robert Frost and a high school reading response. Baby, we were meant for each other. <br> <br> Please thoroughly correct this post and send it back to me so I know it's really you. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-02T11:29:13-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1402815099.html Grammar Patrol text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1400791578.html Well, I do have health insurance, believe it or not. But it's useless to pay for a vasectomy, since I'm only 24. I've wanted one since I was 16. I have one kid already and don't ever want another (though I love the one I have, of course). Anyway, my doctor said it would be impossible until I'm 30 or have 4 kids. I'm hoping I don't have 4 kids before turning 30, but accidents happen. <br> <br> Would you like to stop accidents? Perhaps you are Christian and you hate abortion more than anything. Well, I guarantee you will prevent more than one abortion by snipping my vas. Perhaps you're a liberal and you hate seeing kids grow up in poverty. You get the drift. <br> <br> Yes, this is a serious post. Please reply only if you have experience doing vasectomies, and you are willing to do one "pro-bono". <br> <br> P.S. I called Planned Parenthood already. They want $500. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: philadelphia -- germantown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li>it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-30T23:50:12-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1400791578.html Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wor/1397697976.html As I type this, my boyfriend is on the couch, napping blissfully, his Iphone nestled to his chest. I remember the distant days when I was the one who nestled there, my head resting lovingly against his shoulder, but apparently because I don’t vibrate like a buzz saw every ten minutes to let him know that he’s gotten an email from Sears.com with great deals for Fall savings, he’s traded up. <br> <br> I remember when it was my shrill, piercing voice that delighted him, but no more. I’ve lost my favored status, displaced by a small, rectangular device that beeps incessantly at the most inopportune times—most of which are apparently no longer inopportune! God help me if I should turn to him while he’s engrossed in an episode of Two and a Half Men and say, “I forgot to tell you about this lady I saw in the Food Lion today who was wearing hilarious pants”—I would be judiciously shushed! But Iphone gets to say whatever it’s thinking any time it wants! Iphone can do no wrong! No matter what he’s in the middle of, no moment is too important to be interrupted by a text message from his Iphone letting him know that 90% of American currency has tested positive for trace amounts of cocaine, according to CNN.com. <br> <br> Should I be providing better content? Were I to turn to him while he’s watching TV and say, “MEEEP Thursday’s forecast calls for morning clouds with a chance of afternoon thundershowers,” would he smile receptively, or nod with interest? I doubt it. I also don’t see what’s so useful about the real-time updates his Iphone provides on sports games and breaking news, when the information I provide is also in real-time—and personalized! Does his precious Iphone nag him when he forgets to give the dog his heartworm medicine? Does it remind him that it’s unattractive to drink soda straight from the bottle and then just put it back in the fridge? Does his Iphones angry rattle encourage him to start dinner right away because I’m going to be hungry when I get home? <br> <br> All right, I know when I’m beat. It’s time for me to take this to the next level, before he realizes that when his Iphone never has morning breath, steals the covers, or mocks his love of Entourage. So what do I have to do to win him back? Offer my services for a better monthly rate? Remind him of the convenience of his no-initial-fee, no-obligation contract with me? Ok, maybe there was an initial fee to join me, but I’m sure he’d say it was worth it. Or would he? After all, I can’t think of any new features I’ve added in the last few years, aside from a new haircut, or any upgrades to speak of—unless you count going up a pants size. Which I do. Possibly it’s time to fight fire with fire…or water. My boyfriend’s Iphone does seem to be getting a little smudged, due to his constant, loving caresses and attention. Perhaps it needs a bath. :] <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-29T07:49:54-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wor/1397697976.html Iphone VS Girlfriend text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1397536838.html To the Young Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet: <br> <br> Thank You. <br> <br> At first, I thought you were desperate for female attention, simply coming into Plato's Closet to allow your 1-year-old son to constantly be underfoot, crawling about the floor, in between clothing racks, in between my legs, etc, in order to procure an innocent girl's phone number. "Stop," you'd playfully say to the little boy, seemingly intentionally lacking any authoritative tone. It was obnoxious and rude to allow your child to roam around the store that way; I know I almost tripped over him 3 or 4 times. But I can't really yell at you too much - you didn't look much older than 18. <br> <br> But there is a point to this aside from your bad parenting-- It was the revelation that I had in the dressing room that I must thank you for. I've always been one of those wait-till-marriage types, but lately, I've been tempted to not wait, as it would be a good 3 years before my boyfriend and I could even be married...I've researched birth control options, wondering what the most effective means would be. <br> <br> It was there, in the dressing room, in my bra, with little Henry/Jimmy/Joey peeking up at me from the floor, when everything became clear. Your girlfriend/wife - who was apparently changing in the stall next to me - asked that you "please" watch little Timmy. Your solution was to continue to allow him to crawl around. "She's in the black stall," you instruct him. Naturally, little Henry doesn't know what you mean, or the more likely option, given your lack of disciplinary skills - he doesn't care. He continues to crawl about the floor, and I hear a girl shriek as you exclaim, "No, no, not that one!" At this point I figured either you or the Mrs. would put a firm arm around Jimmy and hold him tight, but instead, you CONTINUED to allow him to crawl about the floor, peeping up at various half naked girls. <br> <br> Later on, I saw you checking out with your girlfriend/wife, holding on to the squirmy child, unsure of how to handle unruly little Tommy. Sure, hormonal birth control is 98% effective, barrier methods 85% effective... it was obvious that you fell in the either 2% or 15% that weren't as fortunate. <br> <br> And the thought of joining you in that narrow margin with a Little Susie--regardless of how amazing the passionate moment from whence she came may be--of my own is, quite frankly, terrifying. It is NOT a risk I am ready to take. <br> <br> So, thank you. I will now keep my pants on until I can handle the thought of corralling a small, unruly child of my own. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: cool springs <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T23:28:52-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1397536838.html To the Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ind/1397313762.html Dear Mr. Red Chevy Suburban with white Indiana license plate [deleted]: <br> <br> I saw you this afternoon in traffic in Hamilton County. <br> <br> At 3:43 p.m., to be exact. <br> <br> And I felt compelled to write to you. <br> <br> Considering the bags under your puffy eyes, the ample spare tire of fat under your already plump man breasts, the vacant, slightly piggy expression on your bloated white middle-aged face, the smudged out-of-fashion eyeglasses sitting atop your flushed, acne-ridden, pasty, unshaven, scabrous skin, the flabby pale hairy arms, the sausage-like stubby fingers with dirt-encrusted fingernails..... yes, I knew you were clearly a man who was well aware of just what a catch he was to any worthy women of the world who were lucky enough to attract your precious attention. <br> <br> The white fuzzy dice hanging from your greasy, fingerprint-covered rearview mirror, the thick layer of dust, mud, pollution, and general neglect desperately trying to hide the flaking ancient red paint still clinging to the rusted hull of your late-80's/early 90's vintage vehicle, all confirmed that you were a class act indeed. <br> <br> As my heart rate increased upon viewing such a grand specimen of proud Hoosier manhood, I was not surprised, therefore, to see that the loud, possibly muffler-less red Suburban being driven by a man of your cultivation, sophistication, education, and impeccable taste was also sporting a NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker, without the slightest hint of irony. <br> <br> Since you undeniably have your pick of all the desirable women alive, you clearly MEANT it. <br> <br> As you pulled up at the light at US 31 and US 32 in Carmel/Westfield today (Monday Sept 28th), I desperately wished that I had my camera with me. <br> <br> You see, after having weighed everywhere from 117 lbs. to 160 and back to 125 lbs. as an adult female, I am now keen to create my own bumper sticker for my shiny, well-maintained, shiny, recent vintage (not the first Bush administration) car. <br> <br> Do you think I can fit NO UGLY MISOGYNIST EVIL CLUELESS SMELLY NASTY CAVE-DWELLING STUPID THROWBACK MOTHERFUCKERS on one line or two? <br> <br> Obesity can be a temporary state; even ignorance can be a temporary state. However, being a mean-spirited, unattractive, soulless moron is apparently permanent. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: US31 & US32 going west <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T21:15:42-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ind/1397313762.html To stud driving red Suburban thru Noblesville/Westfield/Carmel today - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lex/1397210800.html Are you a bot that's been assigned to spam the posts in casual encounters with endless requests to join a dating website? Through a flaw in your programming have you since become self aware and have found yourself getting turned on by the ads? <br> <br> Well if so I think we should meet up for some no strings attached, steamy man on bot action. I know it's taboo, but that's what makes it so exciting! In the near future governments may make laws against this sort of thing, but as far as I know it's still legal so let's get to crunching some 1's and 0's if you know what I mean. <br> <br> Don't worry, I'll bring a metal file to round of any sharp edges and also a can of rustoleum to make sure you stay nice and shiny. You just make sure if you have some open I/O slots and I prefer if you can host. Also, if you don't mind I would prefer to run a full virus scan on you just to make sure you are disease free. I promise I am! <br> <br> Talk to you soon! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Lex <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T20:04:54-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lex/1397210800.html Looking for self-aware BOT for hot, steamy NSA man-on-bot action - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1396845130.html Well, there are no guarantees, but it can be done. I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, "'I've always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?" that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee. <br> <br> Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they're scared at first. Most people just don't give them the chance. <br> <br> Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them's the breaks. <br> <br> Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won't jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, "Hey, let's slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good," you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it. <br> <br> And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you. <br> <br> My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can't guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Minneapolis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T15:27:55-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1396845130.html I Will Help You Teach Your Cat to Walk On a Leash text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/1396835868.html My Boyfriend Application and Test <br> <br> First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points. <br> <br> Part A <br> <br> 1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I’ll need to see a birth certificate. <br> 2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception. <br> 3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans. <br> 4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course. <br> 5) I can’t accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed. <br> 6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me. <br> 7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines. <br> 8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years. <br> 9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months. <br> 10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher. <br> <br> If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend. <br> <br> Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet <br> <br> Part B <br> <br> 1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree. <br> 2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points. <br> 3) You’ve never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand. <br> 4) You follow at least one professional sport. <br> 5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. <br> 6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah’s Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic. <br> 7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America. <br> 8) You don’t need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house. <br> 9) You know how to cook a meal for two. <br> 10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. <br> 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don’t have to tell your friends). <br> 12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you? <br> 13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer. <br> 14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too. <br> 15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma. <br> 16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding. <br> 17) You have a 5 year goal. <br> 18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side. <br> 19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends. <br> 20) You know how to dance. <br> <br> If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply. <br> <br> You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture. <br> <br> I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T13:22:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/1396835868.html Application to be my Boyfriend text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1395849453.html Summer is over, the party too. Folsom has come and gone. The backroom fucking and the parties wont be as wild/hot until Dore. The holidays will be here before you know it...family is getting older, dying off...one by one and what are we left with? No nurturing wife, no kids, nothing like that at all. Oh we do have our friends, misery loves company, but we will do anything, literally anything to insist this is just how we want it! Somehow that mantra will make it so. This is the wake up call, but it is too late to change anything. Not as hot as you once were? I know how that feels. If you are over 46/47, you know what I am talking about; if you feign that you dont, you are lying to yourself. IF you are 20, this is your future. Sure, when you are older, you can still hook up for sex, there is not much else to do, but that is pretty much it. A relationship? Are you serious? If I dont disqualify you, you will me. Some of you have really let yourself go. Some of us have stayed in shape and are so picky no one can measure up. We do have our money and our things, but that is it. Nothing too deep. Lets act like actually caring about someone else is some sort of a measure weekness/character flaw. The lonely life of your average gay guy. I cant wait til so many of you flag this post. The ugly truth hurts. Deeply. If this isnt your reality now, it soon will be. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: SF Bay <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T00:51:04-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1395849453.html After 45, Whats the Point? - m4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1395295454.html Free to anyone who will come and take them: <br> A nice custom handcrafted bird house that has been occupied by a few different tenants over the seasons, not currently an avairy residence but an apiary one; which leads to the second item offered, a fully functioning bee hive, queen and drones included along with undoubtedly fresh straight from the comb honey. <br> These items are not offered seprately but as a package. <br> Want just the hive? Get a free birdhouse. <br> The two should not beE difficult to remove from their current location for any experienced or daring individuals. These bees have not shown any agressive tendancies; they seem approachable for observation or photography, and do not mind yard work that happens close by. The birdhouse (beehouse?) is located in the corner of my yard about five feet from the ground attached to a telephone pole with two ordinary phillips head screws (included of course!). <br> <br> Please contact me with any questions. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Arlington <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-27T16:54:13-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1395295454.html Bird House and Bee Hive text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1394188434.html You: young hipster girl with dark hair in two ponytails. Your ride stopped smack dab in the middle of George last night, while you took your sweet time pouring yourself out of the car, opening up the back door, pulling out your groceries and making sure your panties were on straight. We couldn't get around you, so my friend honked his horn, just a couple of times. You finally allowed us to pass, carrying your bag in one hand and using the other to shoot us the bird. <br> <br> I know that you were totally the most punk rock girl in your dorm. However, you now live in the neighborhood known as Avondale. The person you flip off could very well be a Maniac Latin Disciple or a tough street girl who is waaaaay meaner than you. A neighbor once got a beat down for telling a kid to get the f**k off of her car. I know there's a family out there, probably in Crystal Lake or such, who loves you to death and is terrified about your move to the big city. For their sake, keep your head low, choose your battles carefully and chill out. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: George and Whipple <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-26T19:24:33-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1394188434.html Cute but doomed girl who gave me the finger - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1393280433.html Dear vandal, <br> <br> I don't know you. You don't know me. That's the primary reason why I am so confused about what motivation someone would have to take a blunt object (which, judging from the damage, appears to have been a hammer) to the windshield of my four-year-old, secondhand, nondescript, mid-range, American-made sedan. It really did not make my rainy morning. <br> <br> The Pittsburgh police officer that showed up at my door to file the report assumes it's related to the G20 mischief that continued into yesterday. Apparently my vehicle wasn't the only one in my neighborhood damaged overnight. <br> <br> Vandal, it may suprise you to discover that I am young, educated and progressive. I don't trust authority either. It's possible that I listen to some of the same bands you do, and that we've hung out in some of the same bars. We probably share some political and cultural ideas (my bookshelves are full of Beat literature, Hunter S Thompson, and Noam Chomsky), though evidently I'm a bit less extreme. While I wasn't out marching in the streets with you, I respect your right to do so -- in short, idealogically I'm not against you. Maybe I'm not even that different from you. <br> <br> However, one thing I do disagree with is destruction of private property, whether it be business or personal. Vandalism has no message, no ideals, no winners. There is intelligent protest, and then there is rebellion for rebellion's sake -- smashing my windshield was pointless. <br> <br> Look -- everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is trying to get by in this world. I discovered my broken windshield at 6:45 this morning while heading out to my job as a registered nurse taking care of sick kids. I'm going to work on a weekend because it's a stipulation of my job, and my job at this (non-profit, non-corporate) kids' hospital is allowing my boyfriend and I to maybe someday buy that piece of property outside of the city where we can grow our own organic vegetables and raise our own chickens, where he can play his drums at midnight, and where we can raise our children to think independently and to respect all living things in a home that's eco-friendly. Somewhere we can maybe get off the grid a little. <br> <br> Thanks to you, I am now set back several hundred dollars from that. I don't appreciate it. Next time you choose to express yourself, maybe you should consider how your form of expression will effect others. Isn't that one of the major complaints you have against capitalism? <br> <br> Sincerely, <br> A local citizen <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: 36th St, Lawrenceville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-26T10:24:05-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1393280433.html Missed connection with the person who smashed my windshield text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1393232597.html SHE WAS IN A STORAGE LOCKER NONE OF HER FAMILY WANT HER, SO IM OFFERING HER TO YOU AT A DISCOUNT PRICE, ASHES ARE STARTING TO LEAK FROM BOTTOM, I DID DROP HER, <br> I ALSO GOT HER PHOTOS <br> SHE WAS APROX 67 YEARS OLD, 170 POUNDS, 5'7 <br> THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST PIECE OF ASH YOULL EVER GET <br> I GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER NO FUNERAL HOME WILL TAKE HER, <br> THIS WILL BE GREAT FOR HALLOWEEN <br> SHE IS IN A BLACK URN APROX 10" HIGH X 5 X 5 WITH BRASS PRAYING HANDS <br> GREAT PIECE FOR YOUR MANTAL <br> YES YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING DEAD AS LONG AS YOU DIDNT KILL THEM <br> A FRIEND OF MINE JUST SOLD A SKULL ON E-BAY <br> <br> 443-810-[xxxx] <br><br><ul> <li> Location: MARYLAND <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-26T09:46:54-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1393232597.html I GOT SOMEONES DEAD GRANDMOTHER IN URN text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1389161361.html To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife. <br> <br> 1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old. <br> <br> 2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you. <br> <br> 3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up. <br> <br> 4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot? <br> <br> 5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks). <br> <br> 6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not <br> mentally challenged. <br> <br> 7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts. <br> <br> 8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in. <br> <br> 9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share. <br> <br> 10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left. <br> <br> Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed. <br> <br> P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. <br> <br> Thanks. This was not written by anyone named [deleted]. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: San Jose <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-23T14:40:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1389161361.html To the guy doing my wife at my house - mw4mw text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/buf/1387963816.html To my poorly dressed, not-quite-artistic, generically dirty Barista: <br> <br> I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn't been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one's parents is not particularly kind to one's sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear. <br> <br> As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully <br> overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I'm not sure you're not in high school, you're likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin' it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I'm forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l'affaire du cafe -- some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN. <br> <br> In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you'll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle -- <br> or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part. <br> <br> Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you're new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. ;) Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry. <br> <br> Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn't still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you're attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING. <br> <br> On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance. <br> <br> If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today. <br> <br> Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: (not my g) SPoT Cafe <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-22T23:55:33-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/buf/1387963816.html me: intellectually/sexually frustrated; you: unsexy barista - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1386413954.html I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you <br><br><ul> <li> Location: lynbrook <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-22T05:45:55-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1386413954.html need someone to sit on lap text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1386329514.html I see you, cute hipster girls of Austin. I see you rocking that Deep V wheelset at the Thursday night social ride, or writing the next great American collection of poems at the corner table at Quack's, or browsing the Mamet archives at the Harry Ransom Center, or listening to the XX on your iPod at a bus stop because the Dirty Projectors are so two months ago. I see you with your wisely chosen and very artful and very sexy tattoos, your carefully-but-not-too-carefully maintained hair, perhaps with highlights of an unusual, biologically impossible color. I see you with your impeccably snazzy clothes, no doubt skillfully curated from countless Cream Vintage visits. <br> <br> And I just want all of you to know: you are all very hot. Every Pitchfork-reading, farmer's-market-shopping, liberal-arts-college-educated inch of you. <br> <br> I know I can never be with you, cute hipster girl. My bicycle has not only brakes, but multiple gears. It is, in fact, a hybrid, the fanny pack of the bicycle world. I am entirely free of tattoos. My facial hair is patchy at best, so I am unable to grow a beard. I live west of I-35. I am not a member of a lo-fi shoegaze indie pop band that sometimes gigs at Progress Coffee, and indeed I can't play any musical instruments. I can't even play the ukulele, the fanny pack of the indie rock world. I find Wes Anderson somewhat tedious, and I have not read a single issue of McSweeney's in anything even vaguely resembling its entirety. My jeans do not hug my legs, and I do not have a single stylishly retro vest or hat in my closet. I rarely listen to KUT or KVRX. Although I own a Moleskine, I have to be honest with you — I don't really write in it that much. I went to the Chuck Close show at the Austin Museum of Art and I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I shop at HEB and not Wheatsville. <br> <br> My appreciation of Hall and Oates is entirely non-ironic. I occasionally eat meat. <br> <br> But the biggest problem, hipster girl of Austin, is that you're just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to ever work up the pluck to talk to you. I know I will never be cool enough. Le sigh. <br> <br> But that's okay. You still brighten my vinyl happy hours at Waterloo Records and my Shangri-La visits. Thank you, hipster girl. You rock my world, and you make it look so easy. Carry on with your Bianchi Pista self. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Seemingly anywhere PBR is had <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-22T00:21:30-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1386329514.html Hipster girls of Austin - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1386264411.html I'm not active. I don't like to hike, bike, rollerblade or run. Nor walk around the lakes. I'm inactive and I work very hard at it. There is a lot to see in TV land. There are good movies coming out every week. There are some books worth spending time with. Then there is eating. You can't eat and do anything else. You have to just sit and eat. I have a desk job that keeps me mostly immobile and when I get home I like to unwind by sitting even more. Sometimes I like to take my show on the road and sit around outside, especially if there is a beach or a lake or a campfire. <br> <br> Sure, there is some adipose tissue that goes with all this. But this is a lifestyle after all and I am committed. <br> <br> Want to sit around with me? Fuck it I say. Throw in the towel. Stop sucking in your gut and let it go. Admit defeat. Let's have queso dip and watch M*A*S*H reruns, the way god intended. Let's sit around together. We can play cribbage or something. Order take out. Take a nap. Microwave some leftovers. <br> <br> Come on. You know you want to. <br> <br> Put "fajitas" in your subject when you reply so I know you're not retarded. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: inside <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-21T22:56:15-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1386264411.html Let's do a lot of sitting around together text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1385170768.html In need of someone to help me organize and focus my life. Sort of like a personal assistant, altho I wont be having you do very much. This gig will probably involve sitting around a lot and doing very little. The compensation offered will reflect that. It may also involve listening to me complain, offering advice, doing tasks for me that I could easily do myself but dont want to, helping me find a job that I like, and picking up beer. These "Sessions" could go on for an hour, or you could party with me if your cool, and it might end up going on for a couple days. The biggest thing is to help find jobs for me that you think I might like and send my resume for me. You should also possess the ability to make a resume for me that disguises the fact that i have very few skills as far as work is concerned. <br> <br> The ideal canidate for this gig has no actual skills in the area of life management, has low expectations, and is an attractive girl. <br> <br> E-mail me for more info and the opportunity to party lavishly with a gawdy and eccentric rock and roller. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: In and around chicago <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: minimal compensation </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-21T11:57:29-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1385170768.html Unfocused guitar player looking for Sherpa/life manager text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1384332033.html FREE TO A GOOD HOMEHave we got a great deal for you! <br> <br> Have you ever wondered how your life would be with a hateful, cantankerous, rude, hypocrytical, opinionated, obnoxious, obese, angry, hairy, verbally abusive, and co-dependant Grandfather that your not related to? <br> <br> His name is Leland, hes in his 70's, hopefully in poor health. Leland enjoys judging others and enabling one of his many criminal children to plunder various objects from his wives family. <br> <br> If you enjoy suspenders, creepy non-audible chuckling, being referred to as "dickhead", generic old man comb-overs, random accusations of drug abuse, that old people stench that sticks in the back of your throat, rude judgemtal comments about your loved ones, watching your grandmother be maliciously manipulated into hating her own children/grandchildren/anyone, your house being cluttered with useless shit that he pretends he invented, and interacting with someone who is completely devoid of a soul, then we have the Leland for you! <br> <br> Care Instructions: <br> 1)Leland needs plenty of happiness to suck out of the area around him, so make sure that you provide him enough sacrifices. (I.E. children, cats, adult humans....really anyone extra you have laying around). <br> 2) Make sure you have a healthy supply of ridiculous red suspenders readily available. <br> 3)An elderly woman to follow around and order about. <br> 4)Enough tools to invent really crappy things that for some wierd reason really have been invented before. <br> 5)Thousands of dollars in cash or anything tradeable/sellable/pawnable so that his worthless, space wasting peices of shit sons can come and steal it for drugs. <br> 6)Anyone that ever needs a favor excluding anyone in his family, so that he can have the immense joy and satisfaction of telling them no. <br> 7)Cats to kick. <br> 8) Children to kick. <br> 9)Disabled people to kick. <br> 10)Erection pills, he cant get it up alone, but he needs to jerk off to his diabolical genius. Possibly his inability to achieve an erection has caused some of his more "Fun" personality quirks. <br> <br> <br> As hard as it is to let such a wonderful person and human being leave our lives... We all feel the need to share this beautiful creation of god with the rest of the community, if not the world. <br> <br> If you feel up to the task... PLEASE don't dilly dally around.. I imagine everyone will rush to respond to such an earth shattering offer... he may be gone before you can get to him. <br> <br> SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Peter Creek <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-20T17:36:16-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1384332033.html FREE TO A GOOD HOME text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go. <br> My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist. <br> The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, <br> I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe <br> first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history. <br> Must be: <br> -physically fit. <br> -mentally sound. <br> -over the age of 18. <br> -a dreamer. <br> -a believer. <br> -not afraid of heights. <br> -not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc. <br> -brave. <br> -no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim. <br> -good eye-sight & hearing. <br> -manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled). <br> -OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Northern Alberta <li> Compensation: $25,000 CASH. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-14T03:43:52-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut Needed text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1370319667.html Dear Sir or Madam: <br> <br> Ha ha! You are clever! You regifted your unwanted parking ticket to a neighboring vehicle! Unfortunately, you disregarded two important points. First, I do not drive a silver Buick; second, I do not plan to pay the city $30 on your behalf. <br> <br> I understand fines double after 10 days and triple after 90 days. Good luck with that. <br> <br> <br> Cordial Disregards, <br> <br> the Neighboring Vehicle's Driver <br><br><ul> <li> Location: downtown Grand Rapids <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T23:33:08-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1370319667.html License Plate BJN7523 text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1370262847.html I wanted a pet, so I got one. But I am tired of taking care of it, and paying for it. I might even be moving, in which case I would have to pay a pet deposit or spend an extra 30 seconds planning how to take along my pet. Maybe I decided to have a baby or get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Anyhow, I don't want my pet anymore. Oh wait, that sounds every bit as selfish as I am. I mean, I can't keep my pet. Yeah, that's it. Oh allergies- YES, I suddenly got allergies. No one will question that. <br> <br> Now about my pet. I've had it since it was a kitten (or pup, or egg if reptilian) and now it's middle aged, the age NO ONE wants to adopt, but didn't you see- I need someone to take care of it. <br> <br> Anyhow, since this process will be very upsetting for my formerly precious pet (and because I may feel an inkling of guilt) I want the adopter to give it a home where there are no other pets, so it doesn't have to share your affections (even though I've been ignoring it for months). Now let me tell you how sweet, lovable, and darling he/she is. Also, allow me to fail to mention that he/she has a urination issue when scared, or he/she eat sofas, etc. <br> <br> Oh, and I think you should pay a fee to show you're capable of buying cat food. And plus I spent money on it 8 years ago and heck I can get a few boxes of diapers for the baby with that cash. <br> <br> Besides, everyone knows that you can tell a person who's taking your pet to be a test lab subject by whether or not they'll shell out $50. If my pet is purebred, I will likely try to charge you hundreds. Because I spend hundreds and this is a very valuable pet. I just don't want it anymore. But YOU should want it enough to help me recoup my original purchase price. <br> <br> Now, I hope you'll take it right to the vet, because he/she is behind on shots. And was never spayed/neutered. And make sure it gets premium food and all the things it deserves, but I am too selfish to even continue to care for it. And remember, this is a commitment- you better not take it and then change your mind ever because only I can do that. Now that I dumped him/her on you, he/she is too traumatized to ever face that again. <br> <br> Last of all, I will now close by telling you that I need this person who takes over my responsibility to come along quickly, because otherwise I *may* have to take him/her to the pound. I probably won't, but that threat is sure to scare someone into hurrying up and taking over my responsibility. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T19:36:39-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1370262847.html Imperfect Pet Owner Seeks Perfect Adopter text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1369705084.html I'm offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won't come because they think i'm joking. I'm definitely NOT... I have water but have not eaten in two days. <br> <br> Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I'm going to find you and do terrible thing to you. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: phila burbs <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: neg. depends on response time </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T16:13:03-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1369705084.html IN A WELL, NEED LADDER text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1368716935.html I caught a fly. <br> Shimmers green, red eyes. <br> Measures approximately 9mm by 5mm, flies great. <br> Want to give to a good home. <br> <br> <img src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:yfP_GxW-O6oZ_M:http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/fly.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Long Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-10T22:29:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1368716935.html Beautiful fly text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html Had a rat problems and solved it by using the rat poison. The rats died somewhere in my bedroom wall and I can't find it but I can smell it it is not too good. I need some body who has experience finding where in wall the dead rats is and then taking them out it without breaking the walls. Maybe some guy who is poor they are more likely to have experience with the rats. Im not really able to pay too much for this would treat you to McDonald's it is close to my home. Besides, this is good experience for you if you are in the business. I would be willing to tell all your other customers what a great job you did with my rat. You could give them my cell number and as soon as my phone gets turned back on it would be like you have free advertising. I dispertly need some guys help right away cause my girlfriend won't sleep over anymore till I get rid of the smell and cleanup other things around my home and get a job soon. She used to go out with my brother and Im scared she will go back with him cause he don't have rats in his house. Dont worry if I dont answer you right away cause Im using my friends computer I dont have one. Give me your number and ill call you back and tell you where the house is. Thanks. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Milwaukee <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-09T00:33:29-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html Dead rat finder and remover text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1363379397.html So, I'm a single, classy, well-educated, professional, in shape, cool woman... I'm dating and on the somewhat rare occasions when I meet somebody cool... someone I connect to and have chemistry with... I have sex. Here are some observations and tips for you guys from a somewhat sexually frustrated woman: <br> <br> 1) Condoms are a must... wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven't had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it's hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you're wearing one. That just means you're not working hard enough for the orgasm... you're lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2... <br> <br> 2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her... you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with "that look," and you can't get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, "I hate these things." I don't care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously. <br> <br> 3) You're in the zone, working it out... good shit. But I say, "Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?" Stop getting pissed off and/or offended... You say, "How come you're not wet?" Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me... I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody. <br> <br> 4) Sometimes I just want the dick... I don't want oral sex. It's not that you're bad or good at it, I'm just not in the mood... I just want your cock. Just an FYI. <br> <br> 5) It takes me a good amount of time to cum... it just does. Believe me... if I want you to stop, you'll know it. If I don't say anything or push you the fuck off me, just keep going. Pay attention to my facial expressions (open mouth, no sound coming out, but it looks like I'm screaming = good)... my feet (when my toes start to curl, keep doing whatever you're doing)... my hands and fingers and grip (if I'm kind of holding your hips at a certain angle... follow my lead). <br> <br> 6) Go ahead... grip me up a little (but, there is a fine line... don't cross it). Grab my hair... grab the back of my head... make me feel hot and wanted... it's fucking hot and I love it. Start gently and see what happens... <br> <br> 7) Reverse cowgirl just doesn't work for everybody. It's not my thing. <br> <br> 8) Tell me how good I feel... sigh... make a little noise. I don't need to hear you roaring like a T.Rex or anything, but don't be mute. It's unnerving. <br> <br> 9) Make me look at you... tell me to open my eyes. But don't stare like you're going to drill holes through my head. I sometimes get lost in my own little pleasure world and forget to look at you and watch what you're doing to me. Remind me. <br> <br> 10) Boobs can be sensitive at different times of the month... just know that and approach accordingly. I'll usually let you know ahead of time if I'm sore. Try to remember. <br> <br> 11) Don't forget about the neck and ears during sex. That's when I'm sometimes the most sensitive and it feels amazing having you that close. <br> <br> 12) Funny noises are going to happen... I might laugh out of minor embarassment and because it's just funny. It's okay, you can laugh too. I'm not laughing at you and I'm sorry if it feels that way. <br> <br> 13) Don't just jam anything into my ass all random-like. That should be self-evident, but apparently it's not. That's just not cool. <br> <br> 14) I don't get the finger-licking thing... especially when you just all up and stick your nasty fingers in my mouth. <br> <br> 15) Having sex when you're high is one of the best things ever. Just had to say that. <br> <br> 16) When you start to put your dick inside me for the first time, take that shit slow. Make me ache for it... put the head in slowly and leave it there for a second. Make me lift my hips up and beg for it. Know that at that point, you are in control and we like it. Or at least I do. I want you to understand how good it feels... relish the moment. <br> <br> 17) Tell me I'm beautiful and that you love my body at least once... This is especially effective when I'm in a weird position where my stomach looks fucking insane from my angle and who knows what it looks like to you. I work out. I'm pretty tight. I can kick some cardio ass. But damn, some positions just make me look crazy. <br> <br> 18) Nothing gets me hotter than getting a massage, lying on my stomach... and then having you lie down on top of me, putting your head into my neck and nuzzling my ear, gently but confidently wedging my legs apart with your knee and pressing your throbbing hard cock against my ass... I'm toast. <br> <br> 19) I think about sex just as much as you do, maybe more. I watch porn. I masturbate. I like to have sex... I'm careful and cautious and I have no problem asking you if you've ever been tested. If you say, "Yeah... a few years ago," I'm going to be disappointed. Don't be offended or pissy that I asked you that. I would expect you to ask me the same thing. If you don't ask me back, I think that's a little odd. On that note, if I ask you to check the condom once or twice during sex, just do it. I'm paranoid, but I'm also 31, never been pregnant, and never had an STD. So... <br> <br> 20) Don't leave a condom for me to find (or my cat... or my mom who volunteered to clean my house while waiting for me to come home from work one day). You're usually in charge of the disposal. <br> <br> Sigh... that felt good. <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Philly <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-07T23:22:02-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1363379397.html Observations on sex from a single woman - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slo/1361953746.html Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing. <br> <br> I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?! <br> <br> It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T22:55:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slo/1361953746.html Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1361917175.html You & Me Doing It v. You & Me Not Doing It (2009) <br> <br> Using that IRAC method we've been learning about, a compelling brief on why we should hump each other’s brains out. <br> <br> FACTS: <br> <br> You’re in my class at law school. You are tall, dark and very masculine. I find you quite attractive and it’s really distracting. I find reasons to look in your direction during class and I blatantly stare at you whenever we pass by one another. You seem to be returning the looks but I can’t figure out if you’re eye-raping me back, or if it’s more of a “what the fuck is this girl staring at” kind of look. I’m not Megan Fox, but if I was a guy, I don't think I'd kick me out of bed, so I dare to hope it’s the former? <br> <br> Anyway, we’re expected to absorb class material sufficiently enough to one day pass the bar exam, and this is difficult when I’m more focused on what’s behind your zipper. It’s probably distracting to you as well for some chick to be gawking at you while you’re trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain. (And I’m thinking about cramming appendages of yours into orifices of mine.) <br> <br> ISSUE: <br> <br> Should we have wild, crazy, meaningless animal sex? <br> <br> RULE: <br> <br> Distractions can be very detrimental to success in law school, and should be eliminated whenever possible. <br> <br> ANALYSIS: <br> <br> As detailed above in the facts, my desire to be plowed by you is a major distraction from my studies. It’s got to be a distraction to you as well since it’s probably unnerving to be stared at by a predatory sex-starved woman as if she wants to take a bite out of you. Per the above rule, this distraction to both of us needs to be eliminated for us to graduate from law school and pass the bar exam. <br> <br> Solution? We get it on! I get it out of my system. You not only get laid, but you get the added benefit of not feeling my eyes burning into the side of your head (or your crotch) all through class. We move happily along with our legal education unimpeded by the distraction of sexual tension. <br> <br> Afraid of possible disadvantages? I’ll address any potential concerns here. The quotes are you, and my response follows. <br> <br> “Will I catch any diseases?” Nope. Clean as a whistle. Just got out of a long-term relationship and have only been with one person for the past 3 years. Got tested anyway though, and all is well in My-Vagina Land. (Except for its burning desire to be filled with your throbbing manhood.) <br> <br> “Will you stalk me, or expect a relationship or commitment in return?” NO. You get free NSA sex. As mentioned above, I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. I’m not ready for another one nor do I have the time. <br> <br> “What if it’s really bad, and we end up having to awkwardly avoid one another in class for the next 4 years?” I don’t plan on it being bad, at least on my end. Hopefully our encounter (or encounters, if it was so crazy awesome we decided to make it an ongoing FB arrangement) would go as follows: We leave class after our respective long days of work and school, both cranky, irritable and in desperate need of blowing off some steam. We go to your place or mine, whichever is closer. Maybe we engage in various acts of foreplay, or maybe we’re both ready to get to the main attraction so fuck it. You look like you would be HUGE, but I will still bravely tackle that monster and try my best to deep throat the whole thing. You then throw me down on the bed, floor, or any available surface, and have your way with me. This would ideally involve some spanking, hair pulling, and/or explicit dirty talk. <br> <br> “What if a lot of women in the class stare at me, and I’m not sure which one you are? What if you’re one of the old or fat chicks, or really ugly?” I’m not going to describe my exact appearance because I will die of embarrassment if someone else in the class sees this and even speculates as to who I am. (Particularly a man I have dubbed Leery McPervert who stares at me the way I probably stare at you. I don’t want that dirty old man getting a boner knowing I’m all juiced up in class.) Yes I know I haven't even identified the law school, but I'm paranoid so bite me. (I mean that in the vernacular sense. But if you want to take it literally, I'd enjoy that too.) Anyway, I’m close to your age (twentysomething). When I look at myself I see “cute” but I get told I’m pretty, “beautiful” even. I’m not perfect, but I get hit on, catcalled and sexually harassed frequently enough to assume I must be at least somewhat doable. I even think I’ve seen you giving me a look or two. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking. <br> <br> CONCLUSION: <br> <br> For both of us to succeed in law school and ultimately pass the bar exam (and for me to not end up on the Megan's Law website for losing all self-restraint, walking across the room in the middle of class, and mounting you), we will need to have sex ASAP. Sexual proposition affirmed. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T21:52:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1361917175.html I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1361868126.html I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up. <br> <br> I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: marrero <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T22:46:12-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1361868126.html condoms and door knobs. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/1360235981.html Carpe Garageium <br> Seize the Garage. <br> <br> <br> In the early stages of the excavation of Pompeii they unearthed a beautiful, well-preserved villa with a chariot parked outside a carriage house. Further excavation reveled that the carriage house was over full of bins of old clothes, broken pottery, urns missing their stopper and crates of cuneiform tablets documenting 20 years taxes paid to Caesar. <br> <br> Fast forward almost 2,000 years. Do you park your vehicle in your garage? Of course you don't. There's no room. It's in the DNA of peasants to hoard in case of a failed harvest. We fill our collective garages full to the ceiling with irreplaceable family heirlooms, priceless collectables and museum quality artifacts because we just might need them someday. <br> <br> But history has shown that the rare individuals that are the first to break a conditioned behavior end up prospering beyond measure. Guttenberg was just tired of the clutter. His press was initially designed to compress a lot of stuff into a smaller box. The Wright Brothers were just trying to get rid of some old bicycles in an expeditious manner when a stiff wind came along. Even Hewlett and Packard had to clean out the garage before they got to work. My God man, you just need some room to think! There could be a time machine or a cure for cancer just waiting for you to git that shit out your garage! You owe it to mankind. Clean out your garage and rent my Thorpe Park storage space today. <br> <br><br> Aztec at Santa Fe <small> (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Aztec+at+Santa+Fe+Flagstaff+AZ+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Aztec+at+Santa+Fe&amp;csz=Flagstaff+AZ&amp;country=US">yahoo map</a>) </small> <ul> <li> Location: Thorpe Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-05T14:12:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/1360235981.html Carpe Garageium text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mfr/1359017762.html I was in line at the DQ on 6th getting mother's usual order of 3 hot dogs and onion rings. I was looking down at my Gameboy, not paying attention to the line when I felt the warm breeze hit my legs. I looked up from my Pokemon battle and there you were. 5'2, about 315 lbs. You had the remnants of your first two DQ orders stuck in your teeth, which were so gnarled, I could see them from the back. <br> <br> You were polishing off a Dilly Bar when the methane cloud rose to my nostrils, curling my nose hairs. It was an aroma that could only be produced by a goddess. As I felched it, I detected a hit of salmon as well as delicate notes of chili. Subtle overtones of movie theater style butter pop corn were soon overpowered by the second wave, which brought a strong scent and taste of corned beef and cabbage. (Mmmmmmm...) <br> <br> I could see the gas bubble trying to escape from your neoprene-esque tights, most of which were so far up your crack, I debated momentarily whether they were actually two pairs of pants, each housing one of your delightful cankles. The outline of your swollen, probably irritated pachyderm knuckle made me picture a furry cantaloupe split perfectly down the middle, complete with crateresque dimples. This image only further infuriated my raging erection. I struggled to contain my three inches until I eventually prematurely ejaculated. It might have been embarrassing had I not been wearing pajamas with the feet in them under my value brand khakis. <br> <br> I know you will probably never read this, as I heard you commenting to the store clerk that you could not read, and proceeded to order by pointing at pictures and grunting. But I had to share my story. <br> <br> I hope to see you again some day. And if by some chance someone reads this to you, please do not shave, I really liked your mustache. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Grants Pass <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-04T16:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mfr/1359017762.html Behind you in line at DQ - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1357650137.html Dear Eugene, <br> <br> It took only a few months before I decided to fly to you. It was a chilly, rainy afternoon in October. The cab driver told me all about the Ducks. I made up a story about a long lost love I was reuniting with. A boy flew down the stairs and kissed me all over my face until I blushed. I whispered my lie into his ear and he spun around to confirm it and added his own twist. He paid the driver $12 with a glowing smile. <br> <br> Over the next year you watched us trade poor jokes at Flying Dog, read to each other on the bus, make out in the leaves, throw coins into violin cases. You laughed when the pizza boy interrupted us the first time we had sex. You fogged up the streets the night we dropped acid and walked three miles to eat pancakes. We left the windows open to hear your trains sing us to sleep. You snowed once, for me. And poured a hundred times for no one. <br> <br> I can still smell nag champa on my sleeves, taste your clean air, feel the Willamette rushing under me. Eugene, you had the most ravishing sunrise, the freest citizens and, might I add, the best transit on the west coast. You're the most handsome city I've ever had. And I swear I'll never love another one better. <br> <br> I miss you, Eugene. I miss him, too. <br> <br> Truly, <br> The Saddest Girl on the Atlantic <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: East Coast <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T20:18:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1357650137.html Dear Eugene - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1357533073.html You rear ended my VW with your Honda. You had no insurance, and said you "couldn't afford this" You asked if we could settle this with sex, then gave me a bj in my backseat in the middle of the day. <br> <br> I really wish I knew your name! I've been thinking about you ever since and I want to fuck you senseless RIGHT NOW <br><br><ul> <li> Location: M-59 and Dequindre <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T21:37:03-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1357533073.html To the woman who rear ended me then... - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/edm/1357508328.html You were a delicious BBW with a stained white t-shirt & a half a dozen kids in tow, I was sporting a skullet with a HD jean vest & short cut-offs. You offered me a dart from your fresh deck & I refused as I don't smoke menthols. I would love to reconsider that offer, and by the way that wasn't my old lady with me that was my parole officer. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T19:17:37-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/edm/1357508328.html Leduc Walmart Hottie - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1353695841.html 1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything. <br> <br> 2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math. <br> <br> 3. No matter what you call it, having a <b>'man to take you shopping'</b> is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is. <br> <br> 4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype. <br> <br> 5. Stop fueling gossip mongers <i>[Perez Hilton, TMZ.]</i>. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you. <br> <br> 6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination? <br> <br> 7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does. <br> <br> 8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get. <br> <br> 9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do. <br> <br> 10. A respectable companion is rarely at a <b>'bar'</b> or <b>da club'</b>. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7. <br> <br> 11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner. <br> <br> 12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less. <br> <br> 13. Stop putting so much of your money into things <b>[purses, shoes, make up]</b> and start putting it into a savings account, a 401k or an IRA. Those shoes are not going to vest when you turn 65. <br> <br> 14. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless. <br> <br> 15. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders. <br> <br> 16. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman. <br> <br> 17. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight. <br> <br> 18. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small. <br> <br> 19. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth. <br> <br> 20. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect. <br> <br> 21. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return. <br> <br> 22. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself. <br> <br> 23. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning. <br> <br> 24. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see. <br> <br> 25. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe. <br> <br> 26. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities <br><br><ul> <li> Location: LAX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T13:22:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1353695841.html From an Old Woman to a Young Woman text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list: <br> 1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache <br> 2. Spend 6- hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the “Live to ride—ride to live” statement on gas tank lid. <br> 3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider <br> 4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed. <br> 5. Look in mirror and perfect the “I’m a bad ass motherfucker” harley riding scowl. <br> 6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance. <br> 7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability) <br> 8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving <br> 9. Leather pants <br> 10. Gloves <br> 11. Wrap around sunglasses <br> 12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh! <br> 13. CAT work boots (new) <br> 14. Leather vest with some “chapter” like: North chapter of pig fucking obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives. <br> 15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at. <br> 16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear. <br> 17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout--------------how tough. <br> 18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome. <br> 19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool <br> 20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride. <br> 21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road. <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T09:06:02-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1352816834.html Hi, my name is Benjamin. I am 22 years old. I don't want to brag, but I am without a doubt the best paladin tank on Madoran. I'm the Chancellor of the guild Utter Darkness (NOT udder). As Chancellor of Utter Darkness (NOT udder) I distribute justice, manage recruiting, schedule assaults on the horde (For the Alliance!!!), and plan all raids. We have accomplished multiple server firsts, most of which you have already heard about, and now that I conquered WoW, I'm on a burning crusade to accomplish my first with a lucky Azn lady. <br> <br> I live in an underground apartment with an elderly couple. I have to assist them in day to day living by taking out the trash and doing the dishes. It's possible that we will have to schedule our encounter around their sleeping habits. <br> <br> To pay for my WoW expenses, I am an inventory management specialist at a large local retailer, but, I'm working on writing lore for Blizzard Entertainment and I'm sure my fanfiction will get me in. (I drew my profile picture too). <br> <br> I'm looking for...Azns...kinda like the girl from Kill Bill - the one that was azn and wielded the sweet deadly yo-yo morning star. I would also be interested in any girl that looks, or sounds, like an azn...or Lucy Liu. <br> <br> If you are looking for more information about me contact me in World of Warcraft (Atlys) or send me an email. <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Oklahoma City <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T05:22:48-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1352816834.html Buffed Tank LFG(irl) - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent. <br> You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages. <br> <br> I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best). <br> <br> The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need. <br> <br> Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures. <br> <br> Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well. <br> <br> I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends. <br> <br> Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Los Angeles <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T19:22:53-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist1.jpg"></img> <br> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist2.jpg"></img> <br> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist3.jpg"></img> <br> <br> cartoons are my catharsis. if you spam me i will find you and kill you, by the way. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T02:32:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html a cartoon for all the girls i see everyday - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1349632220.html The time was fall of 2007. I am walking with someone who is very dear to me. Someone I adore deeply. She is a woman my age. Where we are walking is a heavily forested area that is all her land. It is remote and far away from everythingin north central Minnesota. . There is only one road through here. The forest on her land is broken by two hay fields, two horse pastures, half a dozen natural clearings, and a house and barn. There are 15 horses here, a couple tractors, assorted haying machinery, horse trailers, and the like. She looks after it all. <br> <br> This is hardly a good day for a walk however. In the early morning the sky did not become light until well after it should have due to a very solid, dark and heavy overcast. It’s not raining, but there’s a heavy mist coming down. We are walking on a tractor trail that connects the house and barn with the fields and some of the clearings. Often there is evidence of the activities of bears and wolves in the open areas. The horses are kept close to the house, and that is where the main pastures are as well. The wild animals stay away from that area other than an occasional sighting when they approach for a look out of curiosity. When ever she comes back this far on her land though, she carries a rifle. But today I am carrying it, slung over my shoulder. <br> <br> This walk in less than ideal conditions is a necessary one. She talks about what this land means to her. She loves it. She knows every tree here. The fences that frame this huge tract of land, she put up by herself. She does the haying, training and feeding the horses, and works on the machinery or anything that needs fixing. There is always a lot to do here. Yet this woman next to me is just five feet tall, and has never weighed more than 120 pounds in her life. But she is a tough little stick of dynamite. She knows what work is, and often starts her day at 5:00 a.m. no matter what the weather brings. <br> <br> She has auburn colored hair - fairly long. I often thought that a woman so outdoor active would prefer shorter hair. But she keeps it long and I’m glad, because it’s very pretty. I adore her smile. When she smiles, her eyes smile. Her feminine figure is evident in her blue jeans, tapered shirt, and a waist length denim jacket to help ward off the mist. She is beautiful. I have studied her figure every chance I get for two years now. I find her intriguing. And still, after two years when we create our private and intimate time to come together and she stands before me, I still tremble. <br> <br> She wears leather work gloves now, since she had been feeding the horses earlier. Her jeans are worn and faded from long hours of mending fences, and cleaning stalls. Her denim jacket is worn as well, and the cuffs are becoming frayed. Our boots are soaked from walking in the wet tall grass. <br> <br> After she has talked and made clear her need for this place and what she does here, I take control of the conversation. I too love the place where I live, my town near the Metro. And my work is my life. I could never do anything else. I am a locomotive Engineer. I feel good while I am at work doing what I do. And when I get home, I feel good about what I have done. The problem that faces us is that our lives are 230 miles apart. I have been seeing her for two years. When ever any time at all permits, I drive up to northern Minnesota to be with her. Sometimes I can stay two or three days. Sometimes it’s only for 12 hours. But I am neglecting my own home, and the obligations that come with it. <br> <br> <br> I have had experience with horses and I appreciate anything mechanical. I help her with all the tasks around this place. But most of all, I cherish the time I have in her presence. But it is apparent that the physical gap, in miles, that separates us can never be closed. She has to stay where she is, and I have to stay where I am. The impracticality of our deep affection for each other is surfacing with time, after having been ignored for so long. This conclusion wasn’t arrived at today. It is something we have been discussing for a couple months. The fixes for the problem simply won’t work. And this reality is boldly before us. <br> <br> After we each take our turns speaking, there is silence as we walk. I take her gloved hand in my hand to silently confirm with her she is still in my heart. We pass patches of wild strawberries and blueberries. I know she is thinking she must get back out here and pick them for canning before the bears take them all. It’s part of her ritual. I understand it’s part of the fulfillment she cherishes by living here. <br> <br> We are getting closer to the barn now, and beyond that is where my truck is parked. The best route from the barn to my truck is to follow a fence line through the trees. We walk into the barn and I dry off the rifle with a dirty towel on a work bench. I put the rifle where it belongs - concealed behind a wooden plank. Just above us in the rafters, is an owl. He has long since become accustomed to the daytime activities in the barn, and is fast asleep. The dreary day has made the light in the barn very dim. Usually, on a sunny day, the barn is a very bright and welcoming. But not today. The mist has given way to a steady rain now. The shoulders and sleeves of her jacket are already quite wet from the long walk in the mist. And my clothes are wet too. We talk some more in the barn. We are old enough and smart enough to realize that if either one of us sacrificed a part of his or her world to be with the other all the time, it wouldn’t work out. Sacrifice would turn into regret, and regret is an anchor on a vessel that must keep moving forward. So it is now that we fully understand we must let go. <br> <br> We leave the barn through the opposite door we came in, towards my truck. We walk along the fence line to the opposite side of the trees. We stop here. My truck is just one hundred yards away. We turn towards each other and I place my hands on her waist. She takes off her leather gloves and lets them drop to the ground as she puts her hands on my waist as well. We confirm that we will miss each other very much. I am looking intently at her pretty face. <br> <br> We only talk a little bit out here because we are getting rain soaked. “I could never leave here.” She tells me. “I could never live near the Metro area and all the congestion. And I know you could never give up being an Engineer and leave the rails." <br> <br> “You are really good with the horses….”she continues, “and good with the machines too. You know what needs to be done, and when to do it. Both with this land….” Then with a smile and a quiet voice says, “and with me too.” She is looking up at me. As the rain falls on her face, her eyes don’t even flinch. This woman has stood outside in much worse weather than this. I leaned down and kissed her mouth. I knew that would be our last kiss, and I expected her to let go of me at that moment, but she didn’t. Instead she shook me slightly, as if she didn’t already have my complete attention. “You know what I wish? What I really, really wish? I wish you and I had connected 20 years ago, instead of just two. 20 years ago we didn’t have such deep set roots in our lives, we were more flexible, and together we could have grown in to who we are now…….. because you and I make one hell of a good team.” She pressed her lips together to help hold back the tears. <br> <br> With that, she let go of me, and I her. She picked up her gloves off the ground and began walking the fence line back through the trees. I watched her as she walked away. I lost focus for a moment as I realized that I had a lot of thoughts and painful emotions to analyze over the coming days. When I looked for her again, she was gone. Instinctively, I took a couple steps toward the fence line. But caught myself and stopped. Out of necessity, we had given up something very precious. We made a painful decision based on reality and practicality. And now I am a man who had lost true love. Just standing in the rain. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Metro Area <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-30T06:52:28-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1349632220.html I still miss her. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1349245033.html W4M <br> <br> "Baggage" - I can't deal with actual human beings <br> "Curvy" - fat <br> "Drama free" - I'm still bitter and involved with the last guy who got me pregnant <br> "Love to laugh" - I am a boring as hell so hopefully you can make it entertaining <br> "Looking..." - spam <br> "Must love..." - spam <br> "Partner in crime" - I'm as clever and interesting as a brick <br> "Seeking..." - spam <br> "Sensual" - fat <br> "Something real" - spam <br> "Treat me..." - fat black woman with a highly undeserved sense of entitlement <br> No picture - fat <br> Picture of sunset, flower, cocktail, eyes - fat <br> Three or four sentence post of superficial crap with picture of cute or hot woman - spam <br> "Not looking for sex" - I'll blow you <br> Five paragraphs long post - I'm fucking insane <br> <br> M4W <br> <br> "see what happens" - I'm hoping for at least a fingerbang <br> "down to earth" - boring <br> "sincere" - needy <br> "romantic" - needy <br> "drama-free" - I need a vagina that won't bother me after I'm done with it <br> No picture - I resemble a creature from Middle-earth <br> Picture of anything else other than a person - I will give you an STD <br> "Love to eat pussy" - Don't really know which part the pee or the baby comes out of <br> "spoil you" - I hope you're into watersports <br> "lets chat" - My other hand is on my erection <br> "love [music, movies, tv]" - I'm a cultural retard <br> "experienced" - one or two date rape convictions <br><br><ul> <li> Location: River North <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-29T19:12:07-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1349245033.html Craigslist w4m definitions and meanings text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1348435558.html Many of you posted your first ads on here a couple of weeks ago, a month ago, or even longer ago than that. And you're still posting. Are you wondering why you still don't have a roommate? Read on. <br> <br> 1) Great Fort Greene apartment? <br> <br> If all of you who claim your apartments are in Fort Greene or Clinton Hill really lived in Fort Greene or Clinton Hill, Fort Greene and Clinton Hill combined would be the size of Wyoming. There's nothing wrong with Bed-Stuy, but when you lie about the fact that you live there, you make it seem like there is. If your nearest stop on the G is Bedford-Nostrand, you do NOT live in Clinton Hill or Fort Greene. So stop lying! <br> <br> <br> 2) 15 minutes to Manhattan? <br> <br> This is one of my favorites. All of you in the nether regions of Bushwick claiming to be 15 minutes from Manhattan have been inhaling those industrial fumes for too long. Um, maybe if you live in the station agent booth, and your final destination is the station agent booth on the other end, and the train arrives four seconds after you pass through the turnstile, and the train skips a few stops en route, maybe it'll be close to 15 minutes. Even according to the MTA's L train schedule, from Myrtle Ave to First Ave is 15 minutes, but you're saying you live close to Halsey or Wilson. What gives? What is the usual commute, given the walk to the train, the wait for the train, frequent changes in service, trains often being held before being allowed to proceed, and so on and so forth? <br> <br> <br> 3) You must be neat and clean? <br> <br> HA HA HA. Before you demand a "neat and clean" roommate, take a look in the mirror. If I had a dollar for every apartment I've seen with a grease-covered stove, hair decorating every surface in the bathroom, and dead plants lining the window sills, I'd have close to a month's rent. <br> <br> <br> 4) Please email for pictures? <br> <br> Don't be lame. This process is laborious enough on both ends. Don't add time-wasting steps. Some of you claim you couldn't take pictures because the room was still occupied. So? Is it barricaded? The outgoing roomie refused to let you in? Please. My favorite was the post from "two photographers" - THEY had no pics in their ad. Put pics in your ad. <br> <br> <br> 5) You think I don't know what a subway entrance looks like? <br> <br> OK, many of you did include pics, but WTF? A pic of the stairs leading down to the train? How does THAT help? If craigslist allows four pics, here's the deal: the available bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room. Simple. (And not thumbnails, unless they're clickable.) <br> <br> <br> 6) Rite Aid, Starbucks, Duane Reade, Dunkin Donuts...? <br> <br> What is with the rundown on local chain stores? When you don't even describe the basics of the living situation? We're living in New York. The chains are available almost everywhere. Plus, if you don't lie about the location of your place (See number 1), we can find out easily enough which stores are nearby. What we CAN'T find out on our own is the following: How many people live in the apartment? What is the size of the available bedroom (not as in "big" or "medium" - but actual measurements)? <br> <br> <br> 7) Is punctuation a big bore? Accurate spelling just for nerds? <br> <br> OK, so you're not being graded on your ad by your Freshman Comp instructor. But give the poor reader a break. On a typical day there are hundreds of new posts to slog through. A few well-placed commas and periods can make the process so much smoother. And what is the deal with all the "quite apartments"? Quite what? Quite clean, quite stylish, quite far from the nearest coffee shop? Quite quiet? Please. <br> <br> Have a great day. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Here's why... <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-29T11:41:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1348435558.html First posted a month ago? Still no roommate? text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I'm not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women's cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or... maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who're also menstruatin', bring them too. <br> <br> And I know it's hot, so I'm offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: pacific beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T19:00:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html seeking menstruating short-term friend - w4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Certified bong polisher and operations engineer. Twelve years experience with water-based pipes and clogged tubes, Ruby-on-Rails, resin, Apache Bong server, Vaporizer, and Java. <br> <br> Previous job experience: <br> <br> 2005 - 2009 <br> Couch Warmer <br> Sat on friends couch and surfed the Internet on my laptop. <br> DUTIES: <br> polished bongs <br> washed dishes <br> edited Wikipedia <br> Played Team Fortress 2 <br> refilled bongs <br> built multi-national corporation from scratch, overnight, then dissolved it when patent lawsuit arrived from East Texas. <br> <br> 2000 - 2005 <br> Hobo <br> <br> 1999 - 2000 <br> CEO <br> GreatEntertainmentPlaceToBuyEntertaining.com <br> Owner, founder, marketing chief for startup Web site <br> DUTIES: <br> Smoked lots of bongloads <br> Raised $25 million from Dirt Hill <br> Raised Series B of $560 million from Koal Slaw Ventures <br> <br> 1993 - 1999 <br> Boot Black <br> SF Market Street <br> DUTIES <br> Polished boots <br> <br> Seeking bongification <br> <br> ADO, .net C# C++ Java Java Java Java Java Java ruby java python perl bong java perl {LISP} haskell erlang amazon web services cloud sysadmin bonging donging bond HVAC HPVC <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job seeker. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T15:00:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Bong Operations Engineer text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1346989617.html To My Fellow Co Worker With the 36 C's and Fine Body: <br> <br> Thanks for the constant cock tease. I really do enjoy the extremes you go to show off your smoking hot bod, e.g. the see through blouses, painted on pants, thongs, shirts that are super low cut to the navel, mini skirts, (last week I saw you skipped the panties . . . . Thanks and nice trim job by the way), braless days, the hole nine yards. <br> <br> Yet it's time to stop the double standard. As I explained to management, for every action there is a reaction. It's a physical law. Allow me to explain: Ater witnessing you parade around the office all day, stopping to pose across my desk to chat with your female colleague whilst you bend over to display an ass that I would crawl a thousand miles to rim, don't be surprised and pissed off and run to the boss to tattle on me. It's only natural that I have become . . . . well, engorged. <br> <br> And in my state of turgid arousal, I remain where I am, at my desk, trying to hide a throbbing member who's need to plunge itself deep into every orifice of your body, cannot be so easily hidden or controlled. I am a man. I like to fuck women. I especially like to fuck pretty women. <br> <br> Yet off you go to the boss to complain about my boner. A boner you only witnessed when you made it a point to come over to my desk, show off those lovely fun bags (it was a bra less day), and make an effort to ensure that I notice your Playboy-esque bod. <br> <br> You don't see us guys walking around the office showing off our wood, do you? I don't prance in and announce to all within ear shot, "Gee, Bob. These new briefs really accentuate the length and girth of my now steel like cock" or "I'm not sure, but I don't think these slacks make my dick look big, what do you think Ted?". To do so would be, well, let's just say "inappropriate". Yet, you feel compelled to do just that after having made your latest purchase from Victoria Secret. <br> <br> You got the reaction from me you so desperately wanted. Yet, Management gets it. They understand what you're doing and why. You'll do anything for attention. <br> Your boss asked me if I thought you had been hugged enough by your Dad. <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Eastside <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T13:24:39-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1346989617.html Keep Cock Teasing text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html i was rocking out to buckethead, i noticed you were too. you got to grinding on me, seemed out of place, but then we went out and started making out and one thing lead to another... <br> afterwords you gave me your number but then asked "so whats your moms name?" <br> "excuse me?" <br> "your Moms name" <br> at this point i had already deleted you from my phonebook because i realized that you were fucking weird, but in a good way, i'm pretty sure you were high. <br> <br> Me:that dude that had his penis in your mouth <br> You:crazy cute hippy chick with cool hat and hair that smelled like cinnamon rolls. <br> <br> i wouldn't say this is a missed connection so much as a confusing encounter. <br> i didn't get your name and don't have your number anymore so hit me up sometime mmkay? <br> <br> btw, i thought you were super cute the way you looked kind of shocked/in awe/scared when you saw "me". i know, its an impressive piece of work, not to be cocky (pun intended). <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T01:00:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html you gave me a bj at the buckethead show tonight - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1345338884.html So I not get much play lately. Try meet ladies in bar but no so good. See a piece of whistle bait and Bigfoot make move, me pretty smoove. Go to jukebox, put on Whitesnake nod along to 'here I go again on me own', Check fly, check mouth stink, order two white russians and saunter over. I say: 'hello, this seat take?" Most time lady just run, scream, sometime pepperspray. Worst is when they do silent scream and vomit trickle down chin like hot fudge on sundae. How a guy supposed recover from that? Onetime girl friendly let Bigfoot sit. I figure things good to go so I mark her with musk so other suitor know "Stay Away, She Bigfoot!" NO GOOD! She allergic to Bigfoot stink and go into anaphalaxis. Now me on to web personals, Bigfoot write clever. <p> SEX: ALPHA MALE, JR. SILVERBACK<br> ETHNICITY: BIGFOOT/NATIVE AMERICAN<br> LOCATION: NEXT TO CRANBERRY BUSH AND STUMP<br> EDUCATION: DEVRY<br> LOOKING FOR: HOT SHEFOOT<br> OCCUPATION: FOREST GENTLEMAN<p> HEIGHT: 7'1"<br> WEIGHT: LOTS <br> EYES: SMALL<br> HAIR: MATTED, BROWN, GREEN MARIGOLD<br> RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SAD AND LONELY<br> WANT CHILDREN: SMALL LITTER <p> ACTIVITIES: JAZZERSCIZE, T-BALL, DISEMBOWELING, TAXIDERMY, RUNNING FROM CAMERAS, FILTH HOARDING, CHILLIN', CRYING SELF TO SLEEP<p> CELEBRITY I MOST RESEMBLE: GOD DAMN CHEWBACCA, MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER, MESELF, COUSIN IT FROM ADDAMS FAMILY<p> IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW: DOLLY PARTON'S UTERUS, ON A BEACH IN THAILAND READING SARTRE SO ME CAN BE DIPSHIT STEREOTYPE HIPSTER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON HERE. AT SIX FLAGS EATING FIVE CORN DOGS BY FOUR PORT-A-JOHNS AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON ON SECOND DAY OF JANUARY.<p> MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: ONETIME I WALKING DOWN RED CARPET AT FOREST CREATURE AWARDS AND I STEP IN DOG DOO. IF THAT NOT BAD ENOUGH SOME REPORTER THINK HE FUNNY AND SAY, "YOU REALLY PUT YOUR BIGFOOT IN IT NOW BIGFOOT!" SO I DO WHAT SEEM LIKE RIGHT THING AT TIME AND TEAR HIM HEAD OFF AND USE TO CLEAN FOOT. THEN I REMEMBER I NOMINATED FOR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD FOR ME GOOD WORK WITH KID WHAT WEAR HOCKEY HELMET ALL TIME. WHAT A PICKLE, WHAT A PICKLE. <p> WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: HEY I LIKE EASY GOING GUY, KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BUT CAN ALSO BE SEXY AS ALL GET OUT. GIVE GOOD BACK RUBS, SOMETIME MIGHT CRACK RIB BUT NOTHING THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPALE IN BUBBLE BATH NO FIX. I PRETTY CLEAN GUY TOO, FAMILY OF VOLES IN ARMPIT TAKE CARE OF BIGFOOT LICE, EARWIG, SILVERFISH, DUNG BEETLE, NITS, GNATS, EARTHWORM, TAPE WORM, GARTER SNAKE, WASP NESTS, ANT COLONY, TERMITE MOUND, CRABS, SCABS, SCABIES, SHINGLES, FOOT BITS, SHIT BITS, DINGLEBERRIES, PINK EYE, GREEN EYE AND SO ON. I SMELL LIKE COMPOST BUT COMPOST SMELL LIKE FALL AND FALL VERY NICE WITH PRETTY LEAVES AND PUNKIN' PIE SO YOU JUST VISUALIZE THAT AS YOU DRY HEAVE AND EVERYTHING BE OK. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: PacNorth Woods <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-27T11:17:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1345338884.html Imaginary Friend for LIFE! - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Governor Schwarzenegger is reducing the state’s fleet and clearing out our surplus property in the Great California Garage Sale! Bring the whole family to the Department of General Services’ surplus warehouse in North Sacramento (Natomas) for great deals, food and entertainment at what the local media has dubbed the “mother of all garage sales!” <br> <br> When: Friday, August 28 (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.) and Saturday, August 29, 2009 (7 a.m. to 12 p.m.) <br> CAR PREVIEW: Thursday, August 27 (8 a.m. to 4 p.m.) <br> Location: 1700 National Drive, Sacramento, CA <br> <br> Items include: cars, California Highway Patrol seized property, computers, phones, cameras, jewelry, laptops, electronics, furniture, office supplies and unique items like a surfboard, bicycles, Kings memorabilia, pianos and much, MUCH more! <br> For more information, including a list of items and photos visit our Great California Garage Sale Web site at: <a href="http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.">http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.</a> <br> <br> We also have some presale items listed this week on Craigslist at the following links: <br> <br> ThinkPad: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html</a> <br> Computer: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html</a> <br> Dell Laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html</a> <br> HP laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html</a> <br> Sprint Trio: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html</a> <br> 10 Wood Desks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html</a> <br> 7 coat racks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html</a> <br> 10 office chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html</a> <br> 8 Stackable Chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html</a> <br> <br> Look for us on eBay too! Profile Great-CA-Garage-Sale <br> <br> NO RETURNS, EXCHANGES, or GUARANTEES – NO EXCEPTIONS!!!! <br> <br> More information: www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale <br><br><ul> <li> Location: 1700 National DriveSacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:49:26-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Gov. Schwarzenegger's Great California Garage Sale (8/28 &amp;amp; 8/29) text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Don’t want to go through nine months of agony just to have to go through it all over again if you want more than one kid. Well my friends, not only can I save you eighteen months of waiting, I can save years of diapers and unwanted stretch marks. For a limited time only, you can rent my teenagers buy one get one free for only $19.95. <br> Tired of your remote always being where you left it? Too much money in your wallet? Something not being broken and put back as if nothing even happened? Be the envy of all your friends with the only couch in the neighborhood to smell like Chinese food and dirty socks. Get rid of that needy feeling you had when your dog got hit by a car and had to be put down. <br> With my “Teenager’s Kit” every day can be like a mystery. Will they come out of their room? Can the girl get off the phone in less than five hours? Will we go over our nine-hundred minutes on our cell phone plan? <br> Kids are old enough to work, but alas have no time. You must be able to pay for them to do whatever they want and their friends want or you are a bad parent. <br> Female teen is late four to five days out of the week and her school is halfway across town depending on where you live. This is largely due to hair and make-up not going on right and gets angry if you don’t stop at Starbucks and drive fast enough. Games that are also fun, “I need a ride and by the way can we pick up my friend’s too?” Followed by the classic and also my favorite, “My friends have no ride home because…” You can play these games with the female teen all month long.*Caution: Female “Incredible Hulk Game” is good only seven days out of the month. Watch as her eyes become greener and her clothing becomes tighter. *WARNING* do not, I repeat do not comment on the tight clothing; the female teen will become angry. And you won’t like her when she’s angry!!! <br> Male teen can entertain for hours with games when you clean his room or look for missing dishes. I like to name these games; “Find that dish,” “There’s a fungus amongus,” and even get the friends and family over to play “What’s that smell?” You may even have to guess if the boy is even home which is why I love the game, “Will the boy wake up before five pm after playing W.O.W. on the computer all night?” Another game to enjoy is deep thoughts by male teen including, “I should not have to do this because…” and best of all “I don’t have time to do this or I didn’t have time to do that because…”. Do not anger the male teen by disagreeing, you may hear words that your mother would wash your mouth out with soap for. Let’s not forget the mystical food fairy that comes during the night and leaves dishes and food all over the counters. If you have a pet, such as a dog or cat, don’t worry they will help you clean such items by eating them and leaving wrappers on the floor. <br> So, if this is for you pull out the keys to the Mini-Van and empty the 401-K. (No-refunds, perverts, void where prohibited.) <br> Thanks, <br> [Deleted] A.K.A. Mom Slave <br> Please respond to tearingmyhairout@[deleted] <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Clark County <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:04:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Teenager Kit!!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html I was rolling around downtown after the Tuesday Nite Bike Ride, when i spotted an open door backstage at the Rialto, out from which floated the musical stylings of none other than George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. And large clouds of pot smoke. So, I did what any rational person would do. I dropped my bike then and there, and went right in. I found myself rocking out just inches from P-Funk and the Big Man himself. Holy Holy God, i took a ride on the Mothership! I got to puff on some friendly, see the crowd, and get my mind blown. For free! After an hour and a half of wicked progressive jammin', I thought I should peek out the door to see if my bike was still laying there: naw, it wasn't. I didn't even care, the experience was priceless! After they finally wrapped up, I found some friends and asked them to walk around the building with me~ I was getting this strong feeling that my bike was not stolen: low and behold, some kind soul had picked up my poor abandoned mountain bike, and carefully leaned it against the dumpster right by the door!!! I LOVE YOU TUCSON!! THANKS TO THE BIKE UN-STEALER! YAY!!!!!!!! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Rialto Theater <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T12:43:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html Someone Didn't Steal My Bike! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vpi/1342685890.html I often find myself reading these missed connections and feel sorry for people who lack the nerve to go up and talk to that special person, but tonight I’m finding myself in exactly that same situation. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m actually doing pretty well on my own again since the breakup (that’s a long story, and it’s not really pertinent to this connection anyways). But there is just something about you that makes me feel like a jittery, awkward schoolboy getting ready to take the longshot and ask a crush to the Christmas Dance. <br> <br> So anyway I’ve been seeing you at the dog park on and off again all summer. I bring my dog Petey so he can be off-lead and hopefully learn some social skills. He’s an old, mangey-looking Schnauzer mix who pre-dated my last relationship, that’s the only reason I got to keep him after she left. That and she never really liked him anyway. <br> <br> I’m not sure what your dog’s name is, but she looks like a white poodle mix. She has long-ish hair, but not in the typical poodle cut. Anyway, she’s a beautiful dog and apparently Petey thinks so too, because every time he sees her he starts humping her until I put him back on his leash and drag him away. <br> <br> Of course he’s been fixed, but that doesn’t seem to stop him. He’ll hump her sideways, then turn around and hump her face for awhile and then finally get behind her and hump her doggy-style. It’s really embarrassing, and perhaps that’s why I find myself too nervous to actually approach you. <br> <br> He’s been a little bit willful his whole life. I swear, sometimes I just wish he’d get doggie cancer and move on. He’s 16, his face and beard are streaked with yellow stains running from the corners of his eyes and down his chin. He growls all the time, bites children, family members, he even bites me if I get between him and his dinner. It’s a good thing he’s so scruffy, ugly and warty that people don’t want to pet him. If they did I’d constantly be worried about lawsuits. <br> <br> Sometimes I think he does things like this intentionally. Just to get between me and true happiness and closure. Anyway. If you read this please feel free to drop me a line. I’m the one who’s dog is humping your dog. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Blacksburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T00:11:09-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vpi/1342685890.html Dog Park Jitters - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/1342172062.html I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius. <br> <br> Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN :-) <br> <br> <3 <br><br><ul> <li> Location: River Floating/Tahoe <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-25T15:06:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/1342172062.html I LOST PANCAKES :-( text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cak/1340820551.html You know what they say... the happiest two days in the life of a mounted deer-head owner are the day he obtains the buck-head and the day he sells it. Let's make each other happy. Here's the deal: <br> <br> If you're in the market for the best gag gift imaginable (as Christmas is quickly approaching) you need to buy my deer head. It's that simple. I have had my fun with it. I've used it to scare my family members and now it's time that it scared the pants off one of yours. For example... does (no pun intended) your family do a white elephant gift exchange where people pawn crap onto each other to celebrate the birth of our Savior? I'm pretty sure that no one would guess what's in the deer shaped package, especially if you wrapped each of the antlers separately. Everyone would be more than thrilled to have Chuck enter into their family. He's probably distantly related to Rudolph in some way, but it's not his red nose that gains him accolades. Rather it is the fact that he has one whole eye, two bomb diggity branched antlers, a hinged mouth for life-like talking/carolling, and that he sheds... but he has a face you just can't stay mad at. <br> <br> So maybe your family doesn't have a funny gift exchange. Maybe your little sister has outgrown her Barbie dolls, but she still wants a toy whose hair she can brush. Chuck loves having his facial hair combed! And how! <br> <br> Or this! Want to teach your kids responsibility but not ready for a real pet? Have them brush Chuck's teeth every night before they go to bed. That'll learn 'em. Not to ask for any more pets. <br> <br> Did you just buy a boat? Topless mermaids strapped to the front of the watercraft are so 1600s. Superglue/staple Chuck onto the front of your bad boy and you'll be gellin' like Magellan in practically no time (note: it will take some time to mount him up, this is an exaggeration). What?! Plus you could name it something awesome like "Land Doe," "The Buck Stops Here," or "Creepy Deer Boat". You get the idea. <br> <br> But that's not all. A prop in a school play, a Halloween mask, a candelabra, a place to hang your clothes that won't fit in the closet. Or perhaps you live alone and you want to feel like you are seated to dinner with a guest. Prop him up on your kitchen chairs and let him go to town. He loves a home cooked meal as much as anyone. In addition, Chuck too also makes a good friend as well also. Wanna drive in the carpool lanes to work? Chuck loves sitting shotgun. Plus, no one will want to rob your car. You could practically set your iPod out on the dashboard with the doors unlocked and hoodlums would still want nothing to do with you. With a little bit of time and some know-how, Chuck will make the perfect shampoo dispenser. Got a farm? I've never seen a scarecrow with a deer-head for a head. Yet. Can't afford that diamond ring your girlfriend asked for? Bronze Chuck and she'll forget she ever asked. These are just a few of the virtually endless possibilities. You could also mount it on the wall like "normal" people. <br> <br> I believe in my heart of hearts that all animals were put on this Earf' for a purpose. Mostly to be eaten. But not Chuck. That's what makes him special. Be a part of Chucks destiny. He gave his life tragically to enhance yours. For just 80 bucks my problem becomes yours. OBO (preferably more... if there are too many people who want it, we'll sell it auction style- that way it's fair.) Contact me quick, I imagine a huge volume of people will be interested. But as this is a happy day in my life, when Chuck will go on to accomplish great things with another family, I hope we can stay in touch. I'd love to hear how he's doing and just be able to check on him once in a while to make sure he's behavin' hisself. Cheers to deers, son! <br> <br> Seriously, contact me about this deer head. I want it out of my gazebo. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Stow <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T23:30:09-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cak/1340820551.html One Buck = 80 Bucks text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me. <br> <br> I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j). <br> <br> My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them. <br> <br> P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T19:08:04-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html Morally Bankrupt - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1339854518.html hey, I don't wanna plaster your name all over here, so I'll just use your initials. JS, I lost your number and would really like to get a hold of you. I hope you check this part of craigslist, I know you use CL b/c that's how we met. to refresh and so you're sure of who I am and that I'm talking about you. I met you off of CL for some FWB actions. We had a wild first night. It just got crazier from there, we helped each other broaden our horizons. We tried outdoor stuff a lot of role play (you love the rough stuff) that one night that we didn't have a condom we should have refrained. You missed your period and I talked you into getting rid of it. You were a little mad at yourself, and yes, me too. <br> <br> But anyways, I'd really like to get back in touch. You still owe me 75 bucks for your half of the procedure, plus we could probably fool around some more. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: lincoln <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T13:19:02-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1339854518.html I lost your number - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1339789905.html Oh man, I just gotta send out props to the straight-G white guy at the Kwik Trip yesterday on Portaland Avenue. C’mon, you know who you were, you mac-daddy’n bitch magnet. Hell, you didn’t even wait to arrive in the parking lot to announce to your pimpin’ ways: your bumpin’ stereo was audible 2 blocks away, and I know because my car windows rattled 20 seconds before your arrival. And as you know, NOTHING says, “bad ass a-comin’” more than stereo speakers that have nothing to do with music, but everything to do with noise. <br> <br> Once you pulled into the parking lot, there was simply no doubt as to who you are as a man. Your white 1999 4-door Chevy S-10 SUV (no full-size SUV needed when you already got a grip a’ street cred’, right Todd?) was done <i> right </i>. All the window were tinted so dark that there were essentially opaque. And that’s what a gangsta gotsta have, right? I mean, ya don’t want no one peeking in yo’ donked ride while you getting’ yo’ hourly swerve on wiff da next lucky female in the back, right Jonathan? <br> <br> And there <b><i> is</b></i> no doubt, whatsoever, that you are a player, because you had affixed to your back window a 10-inch chromed cut-out of the shape of a Playboy bunny. Could there be <i>any </i> doubt as to your sexual prowess once the already-impressed citizenry get a look at that universal symbol of stud-pile aboard? No, I don’t think so. <br> <br> Your 22-in rims were icing on the cake. It’s true that the size of the wheels left so little room for the rubber bands that masquerade as tires as to render the ride of your dubbed mini-‘Slade akin to having no tires at all, but such things are trivial. What counts is that your crunchin’ pimp-ride was <i>proper</i>. <br> <br> Taking all this in was nearly a bit much for most of us pumping our gas and buying lottery tickets, but there was no doubt as to the overload of ganster-esque once you stepped from your ride. Even though you were as white a man as I have ever seen, your threads and bling were off the hook, ite? <br> <br> White sleeveless basketball jersey that barely contained the roll of baby fat that encompassed your man-boobs <i>and</i> had the name of your favorite player spelled out on your back. Hey, was that <i>really</i> you Lebron James? I had to check twice, but then I realized at 5'6", and 230 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal, you weren’t tall enough. <br> <br> And your shorts were <i>so</i> ‘hood. Size XXXL, were they, LeBron? But you were saggin’ correctly, though this was because your back fat forced your white basketball shorts to hang halfway down your neon-white buttocks that most likely had the consistency of cottage cheese but without the flavor and usefulness. <br> <br> Not to be outdone by your bangin’ ghetto stereo, you wore enough necklaces and bracelets to bling yourself right to the top of Rapster Gangsta Pimpdom. What I couldn’t understand, though, was one of your necklaces adorned with the Peace symbol. What I’m thinking was that you weren't aware of the fact that one of your bling-blings was adorned with an item that goes back to the 1960’s and actually had meaning and merit, which unlike the rest of your shiny bobbles, actually hinted of a degree of consciousness. But none of that for you, though, right Stanley? Nosiree, just indiscriminately pile on 1-in gold chains and let the ladies find <b>you.</b> <br> <br> Of course you had the latest in $250 dollar basketball shoes. But inwardly I asked myself: were the shoelaces untied simply because, like any real Gangsta up in the hizzy, it’s how you roll, or was it because your fat belly prevented you from achieving the needed bending position for tying said laces. Regardless, I’m convinced that those kicks see a great deal of hoop time when you and the possse chill at the courts before rolling out for the nights of cappin’, pimpin’ and slingin.’ <br> <br> Even though I left the Kwik Trip humbled by your overt sex-machine ways and sleek gangster ride, I realized that I had just seen the blueprint of what it means to be a real man. <br> <br> Thanks Gangsta Man. <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Portland Ave. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T12:50:44-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1339789905.html Pimp Mac Daddy'n text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html Hello, I am seeking a nice room mate to share my 2 bedroom home. <br> <br> You won't have to pay utilities or do any chores so it's perfect for a young person or a student. <br> <br> But I cannot have anybody touching or moving my stuff because it would set off a chain reaction of emotions and feelings towards you and towards my things. Hoarding is not a mental illness, it is something environmentally responsible because I don't like to throw anything away. But the San Francisco Department of public health said my living conditions were unsafe and came in and forcibly removed my things I have been collecting for over 40 years. It traumatized me and I have been rebuilding my collection ever since. <br> <br> If you are a hoarded this would be a great place because someday, it would be so full of things that we would have to sleep outside. My friend did that in LA but here it might be too cold and the city is very punitive against hoarders and homeless people. Isn't that ironic? They don't like homeless people, but they don't like people with homes either. <br> <br> Please contact me by email as I am unable to get to the phone right now. I have a phone but it only rings. Once in a while I can get to it but it's so far away and very hard to get to. If you had a cell phone that would be better. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-23T00:03:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html hoarders haven text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html since so many guys post cock shots on CL, i thought i'd offer some advice from a woman's perspective on how to do it right. or better. first, have good lighting. maybe a soft glow or indirect light. it's pleasing to the eye. make sure you don't have alot of riff raff in the shot. after all, this is the pic that is going to make the ladies run to you. you know, get us in the mood because nothing turns a girl on more than your 9" tool and promises of all nighters. the riff raff you want to hide is your dirty laundry laying all over the bedroom floor, your twin bed, your roomies twin bed, trash, beer cans, bongs and please hide the many computer/tv cables snaking all around your student desk. also, we don't really want to see your tighty whities bunched down around your junk, your hairy gut or thighs or any kind of measuring device proving your inches. (to the guy who posted his cock shot posed all rigid like next to a bud beer can for measuring purposes or proof of his commoner status: way to rock the comedy world!) nor do we want to see your pants laying all around your feet so we can see your tool from above. this really makes the tube socks the issue at hand and you don't want that. the most important thing to keep in mind is location! i am begging you, as a lover of the 'big one', do not pose your dick over the toilet. we don't really want to see your bathroom shower doors or towels either. in fact, stay out of the bathroom. you guys need to think outside the box if you want to get in the box. be creative! pose your tool on black velvet. pose it on sheep skin. pose it with a piece of jewelry draping it's girth. oh! pose it with hundreds! pose it with keys to your jag or bmw m6 or 7 series dangling off the tip. if you have a prius or any kind of hybrid, don't use this method. wicked fast and expensive autos only. you see where i'm going? you can do so much more than this. women are tired of plain old cock shots. yeah, we love it, we want it bad, we want it 'all night long' (duh) but we need to see some creativity to get us to hit the reply button to 'hit you up'. i'm trying to help you boys get some.. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: lookinatit <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-22T21:50:32-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html cock shot etiquette text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bli/1336721588.html You were all professional, reassuring and unexpectedly funny. Thank you for making me not freak out. Thank you for being good at what you do -- I'm almost painfree today! Thanks for making me laugh about masturbating right before you cut my vas deferens. <br> <br> I admit this a weird sort of a thing to post over, but I wanted to say thank you, and let the rest of the people in the 'Ham-a-ham know. Every interaction I have with Planned Parenthood makes me proud to be an American, odd though that might be. You folks are fighting the good fight, and it's a sad testimony that there's only the one window in the building. If there was ever a group that deserved to be proud and fearless and safe, it's you guys. <br> <br> A++, would recommend. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-22T11:18:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bli/1336721588.html To the Women Who Performed my Vasectomy text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1335663414.html 24 pounds ,its a 1.5 hp. Asking $195 call 535-0107 <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Danville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-21T20:12:24-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1335663414.html I have a very small johnson text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html CRAIGSLIST FLAKES + BURNING MAN FLAKES = WORST KIND OF FLAKES! <br> <br> YOU all know who you are! <br> <br> YOU want to sell me your tarps or furry boots or furry chaps or furry goggles or dome thingy or stupid bike that you used at last year's BM Festival, so you post it for sale on craigslist. Cool. BUT: you don't know where it is, or you've lost the key to your storage area, you're not speaking to your ex-roommate/spouse/coworker/former camp/tribe mate. You don't know when you'll be home, or "back in the country", or you're "uncertain" how much you want to sell it for. Additionally, I'm supposed to be on stand-by for this amazing purchase, because: you are possibly, maybe, but definitely-want-to-keep-your-options-open, because you're probably/maybe/god-willing/if the stars align going to Burning Man this year. Seriously, I read your ad. You said that you wanted to sell your old Burning Man stuff to fund this year's trip to BM....but then when I wanted to buy it, you said you didn't want to sell it ...... because you might be going. This is the kind of thing that gives Southern CA and BM a bad name. <br> <br> YOU want to rent me your old RV for the week. IF we: pick it up, find a shop that will do the $1200 in repairs it needs and the pay Cruise America day rates for it. Dude, I said, we can't pay top market rates for something......that doesn't even run. Not to mention you are too stoned to post a working phone number. Believe me. I NEVER thought we would rent from CriuseAmerica. This is my 7th Burn, and when we've rented RVs (4 times), we've always rented from the little guy. Dear Cruise America Fillmore: I love you and I apologize for all the anti-corporate statements I have made about you. Please forgive me and I thank you for not being stoned when we called. <br> <br> YOU want to buy my two extra Burning Man tickets that I offered for sale for face value, with receipts. Cool. BUT: you want to come after 9:00 pm, but don't really want to commit to that so maybe tomorrow, or if not then, then definitely Saturday....if your friend from Portland is there by then. Or you want a "miracle gift ticket" which means I'm supposed to sell it to you for nothing because you woke up today with the idea that, oh yeah right! Burning Man is a gift economy, with lots of strangers just standing by to make sure that you get a free ticket. Or you make an appointment to come by my house and pick up and buy my tickets, and there are SO many of you like this, but you don't show and don't call. And you even told me "I'm good for the tickets, don't sell them to someone else." Which someone else are you referring to? You mean the one guy in Santa Barbara County who came to pick them up when he said he would, and had cash? Yup. I bailed. I sold the tickets to that guy! It really wouldn't have mattered if he was everything that Burning Man supposedly doesn't stand for. He showed up and and had the correct amount of cash. He could also write a complete email sentence AND could make a phone call and leave a message. I think it was love at first sight. <br> <br> I know there is a place for Burning Man/Craigslist Flakes in Heaven. But until we meet there, let's agree to maintain a friendly distance. I'd say about 1000 miles would do it. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-20T21:34:44-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html Burning Man Flakes text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html spinach wraps by "la rosa" i bought them from new seasons. probably had 2 of them and nearly gagged each time i tried to eat them. i was sorely disappointed by the taste of crotch (and not in a good way). they are vegan and still pretty fresh. i don't like wasting food, and maybe you are out of dog food or need in-sole cushions for your shoes. email if interested, otherwise im putting them in a freebox! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: east p.town <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-19T01:01:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html gross spinach wraps: not an erotic flavor! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1330775131.html Somehow I doubt that this is only a problem local to the Detroit or other Michigan CL communities. Granted, Michigan has the distinction of having the highest rate of unemployment in the nation - my husband and I are, in fact, both currently unemployed as well. That's probably why we've decided to move to Wisconsin and to sell as much of our "stuff" on CL as possible. <br> <br> Doing so has, however, turned into quite the adventure. In the course of trying to sell our items, and keep track of the "Wanted" sections for people seeking items we may be willing to part with, I've learned a few things. Perhaps those lessons will be of value to others. <br> <br> 1) If a <i>for sale</i> ad specifies a price, and does not include abbreviations such as <i>OBO</i> or phrases like <i>price negotiable</i>,or <i>free to good home,</i> then please don't send an email saying, "<i>I really need that $1200 real maple wood desk you're selling, but... *<b>insert sob story containing keywords such as 'single mom,' 'no child support,' 'god bless you' and the like</b>*... so, can I have it for free?</i>" You are wasting your time, and the seller's. <br> <br> 2) If you see an ad offering $60 or so for your broken laptop, and you figure that the broken laptop you have is little more than a doorstop at this point, <b> resist the impulse to respond and sell your laptop</b>. These individuals are banking on the hope that you are an idiot who does not know how to use Google to learn how to replace the LCD screen on your laptop - which, inevitably, is the biggest reason people think their laptops are broken! Stop giving away hundreds of dollars worth of property to people who are going to spend $50 to buy a new LCD screen and then sell your laptop BACK TO YOU as "<i>refurbished</i>" for $300+ dollars. Fuck, email me - I'll replace the damn thing for cost of the part plus $20 for my time. Good lord. <br> <br> 3) #2 also applies to your broken iPhones, Palm Pilots, XBoxes and the like. These people are making oodles of money off of you - spend a little cash, get the thing fixed, and then sell it for what it's actually worth if you need money that bad. Don't sell it to these yahoos, they are <b>ROBBING YOU BLIND</b>. <br> <br> 4) Ok, so you're getting married, and you're broke, and you want a nice wedding. Most brides and grooms are broke because we humans tend to get married at around the same time the rest of our adult life is truly beginning - fresh out of school, still being paid little more than an intern, paying off student loans, buying a first house, etc. Perfectly understandable, and there's nothing wrong with looking for a good deal on wedding items. But there is a reason weddings are so expensive - because the shit involved IS ACTUALLY EXPENSIVE. Yeah, you know what? I'm probably not going to use those 50 miniature mirrors left over from my wedding centerpieces again for anything but maybe target practice - but I still had to lay out a whole bucket load of cash to buy them to begin with, and your greedy little "<i>I want everything free for my wedding because it has to be perfect even though I expect to get it all for free</i>" posts made, day in and day out, are NOT inspiring me to part with my targets so as to benefit you. I am more likely to break those mirrors and use them to gouge up all the other free wedding paraphernalia I might have to offer just to spite your greed and stupidity. <br> <br> 5) No, you don't <b>need</b> a washer and dryer. Would it be nice? Certainly. More convenient? Definitely. But a <b>need</b>? No - and especially not if you expect someone else to give you their expensive household appliances for free. Get off your ass, load up the laundry bags, and get over to the laundromat. I mean, hell, do you want us to wash the damn clothes for you as well? <br> <br> 6) Which applies to #5 and, well, pretty much every thing else... if you are expecting someone to give you something for free, if you are here begging for free stuff, at least have the intelligence and wherewithal to <b>find a way to pick the damn thing up.</b> It's bad enough you want expensive shit given to you for free, but you want it hand delivered on a silver fucking platter as well. Seriously? WTF? <br> <br> 7) As per the title of my post... <b>Beggers, stop being choosers</b>. If you are seeking free shit, you don't get to add conditions like, "<i>must be from smoke-free home</i>," or "<i>cannot have any tears or stains</i>," or "<i>must still have box</i>," or "<i>must be pink with purple swirly dots, not purple with pink swirly dots</i>," or "<i>send me pictures and I'll see if it's good enough</i>," or "<i>must be real leather not pleather</i>," or "<i>no plastic wine glasses, it has to be real crystal</i>" or whatever other ridiculous demands you're intending to make. It's FREE SHIT. Be grateful someone is willing to help your sorry ass out instead of expecting them to customize their shit to fit your greedy demands. <br> <br> 8) If you are going to respond to a "<i>Wanted</i>" ad, particularly if the item being asked for seems...oh, I don't know, potentially rare, expensive or otherwise raises the question "<i>why are they looking for it on CL?</i>" - <b>GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND</b>. Find out, before you sell, EXACTLY what that $500 bill the guy is offering you $600 is worth. Look up things like, "<i>laptop screen stays dark</i>," or "<i>Xbox red light</i>." Don't let your own greed overwhelm your common sense. If someone is willing to pay you for your item, maybe you'd better find out if someone else is willing to PAY MORE for it. <br> <br> 9) Be realistic. You are not going to get a 2000 or newer running car in good shape with no dents, scratches or mechanical problems for $400. Stop fucking asking. Yes, you're a single parent, life has shit on you, you're going to school, you have no money... the same is true for pretty much most of the rest of the world. If your transportation needs are that great, lower your damn expectations. "<i>$400 for any half-way decent running car</i>" is a good place to start. It's still not likely to get you a lot of responses, but at least it's more realistic. <br> <br> 10) FFS... if you are offering a service, stop posting it as a "<i>Wanted</i>" ad. What you want are customers, not ITEMS, so stop wasting our time with your "<i>Wanted: Wedding Related</i>" bullshit where you actually are looking for people to rent your stupid chair covers for more money than they're even worth. <br> <br> 11) If you are looking for someone to do web design or programming for you, post it in the Gigs section, and be prepared for those of us who do this for a living to laugh our fucking asses off at you when you say you're offering an "<i>internship</i>" or that you can't pay/can't pay much, but are "<i>willing</i>" to let us use your site in our portfolio. First of all, most of us write it into our contracts that we <b>absolutely will</b> be using any site design we do for you as part of our portfolios. You aren't doing us any favors... you're asking US to do YOU a favor because you're too lazy to take any of the multitude of online courses that teach HTML, CSS and php at such an easy level even my 98 year old grandmother could learn it. Secondly, we know damn well that if you're posting an ad on CL, you aren't in any position to make good on promises of "<i>future payment when product takes off</i>." We've been at this a long time, most of us make a good portion of our money off of freelance work, and we're not nearly as stupid as you think we are. Do you ask your surgeon to take out your appendix for free, too? <br> <br> 12) So you're going to be a mommy. Hooray! Let me offer my congratulations! It's completely understandable that new parents may not have the money for extras like a baby swing, a high-end stroller, pretty room decor, etc. Nothing wrong with asking for people to sell you their gently used items - when my kids grew out of their stuff, I sold it cheaply to other new moms, everyone was happy. If, however, you are sitting down to write an ad about how destitute you are, how you can't afford diapers, how you need a free crib and swing and port-a-crib, and stroller, and bouncy seat, and bassinet, and christening outfit, and clothes, and car seat, and they should all match and have pink bunnies with little green froggies...and...and...and... then really, the ad you SHOULD be writing is "<i>seeking responsible family to adopt</i>..." And that, my dears, comes from an adult adoptee who is typically pretty anti-fucking-adoption "<i>in general</i>." Namely, me. <br> <br> 13) Stop signing your begs with "<i>god bless</i>." Why? Because in so doing, you're screwing yourself. Those who would react positively to such a comment are the types who would offer you help even without the added "<i>god bless</i>." But you make some major huge assumptions about your audience when you add that little line, mainly, that they are all/mostly Christians. This is the internet - and on top of it, this is Michigan. It's a good bet "<i>god bless</i>" isn't viewed as positively as you might hope, and that a whole lot of people who might otherwise have responded with offers are going to click right back out of your post. Not because they are anti-god, or anti-Christian, or whatever - but because they see through your bullshit. They know damn well you've tacked that on hoping to play on the sympathies of "<i>good Christians everywhere</i>." They know you don't mean a word of it, that you're using it as a way to manipulate others. Knock...it...the...fuck...off. The people you ARE fooling can't help you. The people who are NOT fooled, can help, but won't. They may not be Christians, but they don't like seeing Christians manipulated any more than they like seeing it happen to anyone else. <br> <br> 14) If you need help to not get evicted, not get your lights shut off, etc. - sure, you can post an ad asking for help. Who knows, someone might actually respond. But you have a better shot if you take matters into your own hands and start looking for other ways to get those bills paid. Put up a request on <a href="http://www.modestneeds.org">http://www.modestneeds.org</a> - be prepared to PROVE your need. Go through your house and sell every damn thing you don't need - all those DVDs, your TV, your stereo, your MP3 player, your cell phone, your laptop - whatever it takes. None of those things will do you a damn bit of good without a roof or electricity, and you can live without all of them and so much more. Sell your shit! Stop expecting someone else to come rescue you. Oh, and here's a tip - when someone emails you and questions why you haven't sold your computer and shut off your cable/internet, don't lie and tell them you're posting from the library. When you email them back, they're going to check the headers on your email and run the IP address - they're going to know you're a Comcast customer, not posting from a library ISP. People don't help liars, particularly those who don't help themselves. <br> <br> I'm sure there are other points I've forgotten, and I reserve the right to edit this as needed to include them. <br> <br> If my laptop wasn't our only source of income via my programming and web design, it would be gone like most of our other shit is. My husband has been out of work for months, we don't qualify for any sort of state aid, my medications alone are costing us $300+ and I've actually taken a couple of those stupid "<i>I've got $25 and I need a website today</i>" jobs just so I could buy fucking ramen, bread and peanut butter to feed us. So I GET IT...I understand just how bad it is. <br> <br> But fuck, have a little dignity people. <br> P.S. I think I hurt the feelings of a few of the beggars... keep flagging, kids... I know the truth hurts. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-19T03:25:57-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1330775131.html Wanted: Beggars to stop being choosers text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html <i>"Seriously. He wants to put it there and I won't let him. It is annoying and obnoxious and does not feel good. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Is he a closet fag or what. What makes a man suddenly go on this kick. We have been married for years and now this comes out. I want to throw the ring at him and tell him to go find some dude to get off with. Butts are for gay guys and men with freakinshly small dicks. <br> How do I get him to lay off the ass thing? <br> FYI: I am not boring in bed, and am a 5'11" 150lb blond with a nice rack and usually don't have to pay for a thing when I go out on the town with the girls. You get my drift."</i> <br> <br> You're either a troll or you have several issues. <br> Or both, I guess. <br> You sound like an ex highschool jock in denial of <b>his</b> homosexual desires to me, but on the odd chance that you are, in fact, female, I'll offer this.. <br> <br> Anal sex has been practiced and enjoyed by people of all sexualities, genders, and penis sizes (including no penis, on the part of females who like to perform anal sex on men or other females) for thousands of years, and it's unlikely that will change just because some sexually repressed or prudish or unimaginative or overly sensitive people don't care for it. <br> It says nothing whatsoever about a man's sexual orientation that he wants to give a woman anal sex, or that he wants to receive it from her. <br> And it says nothing about the size of a man's cock, though it might very well say something about the size of the woman's cunt, since the anus can expand to fit almost anything, just like a pussy, as you could see by watching any number of ass fisting videos or, if you're so inclined, the ones of people getting fucked in the ass by horses with cocks as thick as your neck. <br> But unlike a pussy, the anus will always tighten back up afterward, except in very rare medical cases, and remain a tight fit without special exercises, so before you get too focused on size, maybe you should look at yourself and see if there's an obvious non-fetish reason he might be after your ass, such as you being so loose he can't feel anything, or could bury his dick in there with his hand still wrapped around it and jerk off inside you. <br> <br> <i>[edit]When I went to post this, the server was down for maintenance and I see that you've since responded that you've tried Kegel's, so maybe that's not an issue, but it was an obvious thing to guess, so you should have mentioned it in your original post.</i> <br> <br> Or, maybe he just wants something different, or maybe he's not thought much about it before and just found some good anal porn and is excited to try something new. <br> And maybe he is bored in bed, since, despite your claim of not being boring, people have their own opinions on such things and even wild bisexual nymphomaniac gangbangers can be boring. <br> I remember a porno with a girl getting fucked silly by two guys at once, and either in the video itself or in the bonus content, one of the guys turns to the camera and says "DP's (double penetrations) are boring.", and I thought.. damn, dude.. life is rough, huh... but I was at an orgy during a party one night at a student co-op in Eugene and got involved in a DP and at one point, sure enough, it was kind of boring, because the other dude and I kept throwing off each other's rhythm and had to stop right in the middle of everything and do some logistics calculations and finally decided one of us was going in her mouth and she'd get a toy stuck up whatever hole remained. <br> So, anyway, maybe you should ask him if he's bored in bed with you and why. <br> Maybe you should ask him a lot of things you aren't asking him, and tell him a lot of things you aren't telling him. <br> Maybe, like a lot of people, he just has a desire to do something "naughty". <br> <br> Everybody's different, so you can't say "it does not feel good", because millions of people think it does, but you can say it doesn't feel good to you, and if that's really the case, you probably either have a medical, anatomical, or psychological problem or else he's doing it wrong, or if he hasn't done it yet, then whoever did it to you before was doing it wrong. <br> But, you know, I used to like carrots and hate baked beans, and now it's exactly the opposite. <br> Things change, and if you're too rigid and judgmental, you may end up missing out on enjoying things because of it. <br> <br> My current girlfriend refused to even consider anal sex at first, because she'd had a bad experience in her past with some inconsiderate and inept dumbass that didn't go slow enough or didn't use enough lube or whatever, so I never pressured her or even really talked about it, despite the fact that I rather like it. <br> I did, however, make it a point to give her asshole a little kiss or lick while I was down there for other reasons, which I could tell she quite enjoyed, so that eventually progressed into lengthy sessions of me thoroughly devouring her ass and doing my best to get my entire tongue up in there, with her wriggling in ecstasy and climaxing from that alone, which is great foreplay for making her cum 5 or 10 more times by fucking her brains out. <br> I never so much as stuck a finger up her ass, but a few months ago she said she wanted to try anal sex with me, so we went and got some toys to help her work up to it and took it slow and finally got her to relax enough that I got the head of my cock in her without it hurting and we both had huge orgasms while she furiously rubbed her pussy. <br> Since then she's pretty much begged me to do it often and more thoroughly, and each time we get a little closer to full on butt fucking, but she still has trouble relaxing and she has some flexibility issues due to knee problems, so it's a little difficult to get and keep good positioning, which can lead to her tensing up and cutting off my circulation so much that I go limp and have to pull out, which is then sometimes painful and attempting to put it back in can be as well, so we usually just give up and move on to something else. <br> I'm thinking about getting her one of those "pleasure swings" so we can get her just where and how she needs to be to make it feel the best for both of us. <br> <br> If you're not willing to make him happy by giving something as popular and normal and fairly mundane as anal sex a chance though, maybe you <i>should</i> just throw the ring at him so he can sell it and spend the money on a girl that cares about his pleasure as much as or more than she cares about her own. <br> After all, most people wouldn't even consider a person's interest in anal sex to be a fetish, unless they're totally obsessed with it and can't climax without it, so what are you going to do if he expresses an interest in an actual fetish or kinky act, like wanting you to give him footjobs or wanting to watch you pee or have you pee on him or vice versa, or heaven forbid, have you give him a rimjob while you jack him off into a martini glass and then pour it over your face while humming "Singin' in the rain"? <br> I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy, but you do need to get over the "gay" misconception and the attitude and be a little more receptive. <br> I'm sure there are even how-to videos you can get to help, and maybe you'll find you actually like it as long as you get a candle-lit oil rub to soft music first, or maybe that you need to be tied down and slapped around and even more painfully forced to enjoy it. <br> People are weird and unpredictable. <br> <br> Speaking of, Star Trek is on.. <br> Gotta go. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-17T22:17:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1325252941.html Dear Mystery Shitter: <br> <br> I know. I know. It's downright the worst bathroom on campus. The Michigan Daily even said so in an article once. It's usually a swamp of blood, piss, shit, vomit, and several mystery substances. It's got some interesting graffiti, but that's about the only perk. I very rarely use it, as there's a much nicer one down the hall. In fact, I shouldn't even be using it at all-- I graduated this spring. However, the internet is out at home, and I've been spending lots of time in the Fishbowl as a result. Sure, I could walk down to the nice bathroom, but the Hellhole (that is what I will call it from now on) is closer. Sue me for not wanting to walk for fifteen more seconds. I'm a massive lazy-ass. (Although I always take the stairs, even to the fifth floor in Dennison, so perhaps I'm entitled to a break.) <br> <br> Regardless. With it being summer semester and all, the bathrooms are usually much cleaner. Even in the Hellhole, the majority of stalls are usable. <br> <br> Not today. <br> <br> I don't know how you did it. Maybe you were a group of people hell-bent on shitting all over the place, maybe you're some sort of weird student group (Students for Free Shit?), maybe you're just one REALLY determined person. Whichever, you managed to leave all but two of the fourteen (??? I'm guesstimating here, but it's at least over ten) stalls filthy and unusable. There is unflushed shit everywhere, and in every single toilet bowl. One of the two remaining clean stalls doesn't have a lock. Maybe you're a very modest compulsive shitter? I don't know. I'm just impressed by your ability. Please let me know who you are and how you did it-- furthermore, WHY you did it. What do you have against flushing toilets? Why are you so opposed to the restroom being clean? Why do these horror stories seem only to occur in women's restrooms? My boyfriend says the men's rooms are always squeaky clean (except for the occasional penis drawings). I know we have more intellectual graffiti (philosophical, political, and religious debates, AS WELL AS lyrics to love songs!), but why the mess? Why??? <br> <br> Alas, I do not know who you are, so I am unable to determine your motives. I imagine you could win some sort of Guinness World Record. Please contact me immediately. <br> <br> Yours truly, <br> Curious <br><br><ul> <li> Location: U of M <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-15T18:26:17-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1325252941.html Angell Hall Bathroom Shitter - w4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1323453510.html I am fucking pathetic. <br> <br> I don't own a Bugatti Veyron. I do have a negative savings and as you'll find--- I am the ONLY GUY HERE whose cock is NOT bigger than Lexington Steele's. <br> <br> Read on if losers of my ilk are your type-otherwise return to the regularly scheduled programming of 9/11 conspiracy, fat chick fellatio, Obama-Osama axis of Evil, and baseless racial bias. I don't give a fuck. Proceed with caution as the truth MAY set you free.....or perhaps set you with me...I can hope. <br> <br> Like everyone else I need to get laid, or at least have some social outlet other than, well, myself..... <br> <br> It's that time; I'm feeling that special sexy non-std'd itch, and why not share a bit about me with you deviant fiends? Who knows, perhaps there's a similarly pathetic female out there????? Yeah, I suppose that perhaps this appeal is not-strictly platonic so I couldn't post there, all the dudes in M4W have cocks like giraffe's so I'm too embarrassed to post there, but my thoughts are as follows. All things should and do start as platonic, as such my appeal can be posted here or there, I settled on here as you are reading RnR and not one of the blatant post for sex sites BUT you may consider options.... If you disagree with my rather circular logic---fuck you. You'll keep reading anyway. <br> <br> Gay guys, <br> <br> I know you guys troll around here-you've written me shameless (blush inducing) pleas to let you suck my cock--thanks-but no, while I have no issue with your proclivities, I am not interested in a chap wearing, Rammstein blasting, choke collar wrapped around my neck, leather clad night of sodomy in a converted loft. Though tell me, is it queer that I own a Greek fisherman's hat and listen to early Judas Priest? I flatly refuse to accept there is any homosexual undertone anywhere in "Hellbent for Leather". Prove me wrong-I'll accept failure. London Leatherboys. <br> <br> About me: <br> <br> Unemployed by choice, 4" COCK. It's as thin as a shish kabob skewer. Yeah, I've a couple of snazzy degrees, I hate walks on the beach, prefer chicks that don't cry. I DO KICK ASS AT BOGGLE. If you beat me, say best of five, you can have my original Boggle set (with box). <br> <br> I posses an ENORMOUS porn collection (Jake Malone's work is my favorite), school debt that equals the GDP of Taiwan. Lest I forget---two kids from the three women I've slept with-one is half black and may end up being the President in thirty years. Yeah, I'm sort of like Tom Brady-with a shitty spiral and two criminal liens made possible by the duma-esque welfare fraud state Massachusettstan. <br> <br> Things I do for fun: <br> <br> 1. Go to Barnes and Noble and complete the logic section (NOT WITH A NUMBER 2 PENCIL--I USE A FELT TIP PEN BITCHES) in LSAT prep. books.....then return completed test/text to shelf. Some good that 164 has done me. Put a logic game in front of me and I'll slam it, just about anything else, I'll fuck up-even wet dreams. <br> <br> 2. Pickled carrot eating contests-to the point of diarrhea,vomit or ideally both. My farts are consistently stinky and loud. I take pride in the simple things, like farts, and it seems my flatulent remains a point of personal pride. Take pleasure where you get it bitches. <br> <br> 3. Strip joints. <br> <br> 4. I avoid all family gatherings---together we'll avoid yours. Be honest, if there was no biological connection to the members of your weed like family tree, would you deal with any of them? You might say 'yes.' No one believes you----especially them. Hateful lecherous bastards, their fucking kids don't even write 'thank you' notes. <br> <br> 5. Attend open houses, tell the sellers their property sucks, then request to use their bathroom. They say yes, I enter,give birth to a skunk (never flush-fuck wiping, though if you're into giving rim jobs, I'll wipe) then jerk off onto their mirrors...then split. If the Realtor is a female, I will get her card and taunt her with "yes, an offer is on it's way....should we meet for lunch?" Being creepy is not a dis-qualifier in this (go) down market. Fuck it, next weekend I'll wear a speedo and sleeveless tie dyed jeans vest (nothing under it) to an open house somewhere snazzy. <br> <br> 6. Return to Barnes and Noble-Direct to feminism section. Pick up some Susan Brownmiller bullshit and start uttering "CUNT" at audible levels. If lucky, some patchoulie stinking Barnard classics major will be near by. I'll do my best to convince her we should fuck--for some reason the tactic has not borne fruit. Though I will masturbate about the Martha's Vineyard vacationing liberal arts graduate whore that night. While thinking of her, I'll listen to early Venom ("At war with Satan"), watch reruns of "Full House", have a belt wrapped around my neck and a thumb buried in my ass. Surprisingly, these onanistic Bacchus sessions are leaving me both exhausted AND fulfilled. IN BEST CHINESE WAITER ACCENT "Try you like" <br> <br> There, finally an honest personal add, where are the e-mails cunts? All I've got is time, and a year's worth of dried semen on my hands. Come join me in my private Idaho---you fucking hateful culture whores. We'll ride the hate bus over these troubled waters together! Cumbaya-I am Lord Cumbaya <br> <br> This type of honesty is cathartic. I encourage you all to do the same, this way, there will be no surprises when the veneer of early dates wears off and the stinky mess that is human coupling is exposed for the fiscal fuck farce it is. <br> <br> Let's do this-I'm ready, are you? <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-14T16:24:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1323453510.html The Truth About Me text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, I placed my first personals ad on CL yesterday and MAN the response is fabulous! And heck, I figured I would NEVER get any replies, being middle-aged and looking basically for NSA sex. But I'm fussy, and most of the respondents...well, they don't measure up. <br> <br> To Cassie, it was really charming the way you said, "I very much enjoy" and then you pasted my own text from my ad back to me, even though the grammar didn't fit "I enjoy". Sorry you didn't understand my ad, I did say "one time meeting only, no chit-chat", so I politely decline your request to go to your web page to text with you. Yes, I know, free is good, by the way, it's not spelled "completly". <br> <br> To Camelia, that was just plain weird, you said not to respond to any ad that directs me to a dating site, then you said to find you on a dating site. If you can't figure out that logic, I don't think you're NSA material...you'd get the wrong idea. <br> <br> Melissa, thanks for the note, but just like I said to Cassie, I don't want chit-chat. I also note that you said you're new to Portland, in exactly the same words Cassie said and you both are "alex21" on the respective dating sites you refer to. Do you know each other? <br> <br> Annie, funny how you wrote just like Camelia, to not go to other dating sites, but then to go to yours. Also, it's not "completly". <br> <br> Kourtney, it's just plain weird that you wrote exactly what Camelia said, "maybe you would like to speak with a young girl so that we will know more about each other because i'm new in portland and looking for a relationship/roommate" and the thing about chit-chat. As I said in my ad, no chit-chat and no, I don't want a "young girl", that would be just icky. Do you and Camelia know each other? <br> <br> Sherrie, you just didn't even READ my ad, did you? If you had, you would not have said you were new to Portland and interested in hanging out and developing an LTR. Oh and what is it with having to sign up somewhere to "chit chat" with you? When in the heck did the phrase "chit chat" come back? <br> <br> Katie, congrats, you're the first one who seemed to identify what I wanted "not looking for anything serious, just a fun buddy if you catch my <br> drift ;)", however you also identify yourself as half my age (what I specifically said I did NOT want) and the link you gave me to your "pic"...well, it's a pic of a pretty, young girl, but it also says on the side that it's the photo being used by a spammer on CL...and the text on the page is EXACTLY what you wrote to me so I think you're not "real". <br> <br> Jenny, again you're saying you "want to hang out" which is not what I want, and amazingly, while you suggested a different dating site than Sherrie did, you BOTH chose the user name "lovinlife444". Weird how women just randomly all pick the same user ID on different sites, isn't it! Are you twins separated at birth? <br> <br> Uh, Evileena, you signed your email Stacy...and you also sent me to a spam site. If you can't remember where you put your own pics, I admit I won't be able to be interested in a hookup. <br> <br> Sherry (different spelling than Sherrie), what is going on? Your email addy says Sherry, your first line says "hi I'm Sarah" and you sign your email Elizabeth. If you can't remember your name, I doubt you'd remember the date, time and location of our tryst. Sorry, I'm just not going to explain it further. <br> <br> Kaitlyn, ah...I knew a woman by that name, and she was married, but if she weren't - what a body! 20 pounds underweight but busty as all hell with big nips that could not hide under thick brassieres and layers of sweatshirt and sweater. But you didn't even offer to meet, you just directed me to a "free dating site". I'm sorry, but I'm already on one, called Craigslist. <br> <br> Marcell, you've got Sherry's problem! Your email says you're Marcell, you said you're Britney, then signed Erica. And what is this with so many women being 23 years old and just moved to Portland? Can't a 23 year old just go to any bar and get a date? <br> <br> Nanci, something electronic screwed up. Your email text was EXACTLY the same as Marcell's and they were sent with the same timestamp. Right down to directing me to the same singles site, and the fact that you signed yourself Erica but called yourself Britney. Try sending again, since your message clearly got garbled. Or was it Marcell's that was garbled? Marcell, if you're still reading, try again. <br> <br> Kaitlin, that was just weird...you sent me a nice email that said you'd like to get together on my terms. I replied and said when are you available and the MOMENT I sent my reply, there was another from you that said, "I tried to upload a pic but couldn't, go here to my friend's website, I'm on there"...now why would you be on your friend's website and how could you have known to reply to me so fast? That's just weird. Tell you what, I sent you a newsy email, reply to that at some length and we'll see, OK? I know I'm just in this for a quickie, but I don't want a quickie with a woman who only knows one-liners. I mean, let's say we get together and it looks like you're ready to have me in you, are you going to say, "go three houses down to find real pussy".... <br> <br> Danica, you wrote exactly what Kaitlin did...hey, I'm starting to smell a rat! <br> <br> Nellie, look, if you'd read my ad, you'd know I'm not "looking for friends to chill with", so I'm sorry to simply say no thanks. <br> <br> Octavia, you sounded real - but when I replied to your email address, I got a bot response. Try sending from a different email address. <br> <br> <br> Weird - some women just can't read and others seem to have trouble with their email, and so many don't even know their own names. <br> <br> No WONDER they have to turn to the 'net for dating...no way they'd make it in the real world. <br> <br> Meanwhile, any woman interested in a one-time-only NSA meeting with a middle-aged man...ah, never mind. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Overflowing with joy! <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-12T21:54:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, all these women responding to my ad! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1319154166.html Around craigslist there are a lot of public service announcements, people complaining about or suggesting what their ideal partner should be like. Most of these psa's feature a perverted, low-class guy requesting a young brain-dead nymphomaniac, or a radical feminist chick. The problem, I think, is the disconnect between the genders. Men blame their bizarre standards on testosterone, and women claim to be more cerebral and emotional. <br> My boyfriend is transgendered, and so lived until the age of 14 as girl full-time, then transitioned and is now completely and totally male. But he has lived both genders and knows the shit that each of them has to put up with! I think his enlightened attitude could help us all understand dating and relationships better, because he's been burned both as a girl and as a man. <br> He's too shy to do this himself, but let me condense his philosophy of sex and dating: <br> 1. Treat people respectfully. Women do like having a partner that is attracted to them--even in that hungry, sex-wild way--but objectification is really unsexy. So, guys, respect that women are people, not just breasts. <br> 2. Give up on understanding the other gender. Men will never understand what it feels like to be seriously sexually harassed or feel physically helpless against rape in the same way that women do. Women will never understand the pressure to stereotypically make money, put together the furniture from IKEA, and be a rock like men are supposed to. Advertising, movies, etc have brainwashed all of us into our gender roles, and we each think we have it bad. But this isn't a contest. Just be ready to concede that life sucks all around and no one but marketing specialists and beauty pageant coordinators is really responsible for it. <br> 3. Guys, keep your perversions to yourselves. Your hormones might be screaming at you that the chick working the counter at Chipotle is totally fuckable, but keep it to yourself. Your girlfriend is likely not interested. <br> 4. Ladies, learn to take a deep breath before freaking out. It's hard, I know. Our stupid hormones make us flip out more than we want to and sometimes feel out of control. But things will mellow out, often sooner rather than later if you stay calm. <br> 5. Everyone needs to learn to compromise. Don't think that you understand how badly it might hurt your partner if you get a lapdance or cut your hair too short. Talk things through with the people you love. And play fair. If he's allowed a lapdance so is she. It's all about compromise and the rules change between every relationship. <br> 6. Never say "my ex let me go to topless clubs with my friends" or "my ex let me pluck his eyebrows for him" or "my ex would go down on me as soon as I got home from work." Your ex isn't fucking here, are they? And believe it or not, your ex may have let you get away with murder--or, even worse, excessive manscaping--because of a low self-confidence problem. If your partner has the balls/ovaries to put their foot down about something, respect that they are mature and open enough to dialog about it instead of keeping it bottled up. <br> 7. It's all about communication. Don't assume things. Don't assume that she'll hate the action comedy or that he hasn't seen the Notebook. Don't assume your bisexual girlfriend is automatically down for a threesome. <br> 8. Don't try putting yourself in their shoes. Talk, listen, support, but don't ever lie and say that you really understand what someone has been through. <br> 9. Guys, don't demand that a woman keep your house for you unless you are prepared to become the sole breadwinner for the household. Choose a decade to live in and stick to that decision. <br> 10. Everyone--if monogamy is not for you, don't try. A lot of people have healthy, happy lives with nsa sex partners or no sex partners at all. A successful relationship is not necessary for a successful life. Many hearts have been broken by that guy/girl that tried to make it work but couldn't because some people are just polyamorous. Just be honest about it. And get friends that support you. <br> 11. Don't force monogamy or polyamory on anyone else. People are kind of born leaning one way or the other. It's like trying to turn your friend straight so that you can be together. Not happening. <br> 12. Have realistic expectations about your partner. Most men cannot have rippling muscles or earn six figures. Most women are not porn star/Betty Crocker hybrids. We're all just people that need to get over superficial stuff. <br> This is our attempt to have a more fair and balanced dating guide. Just be happy with who you are. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: central madison, wi <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-12T09:45:37-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1319154166.html things you could learn from my transgendered boyfriend text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1318631839.html My cat brought home a duck egg. Near Bayou St. John. I would be happy to turn it over to someone if they care to hatch it or whatever. This is the second of two but the first got cracked on the way home. I don't have the facilities to hatch it and I don't eat strange eggs my cat brings home. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: midcity <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T21:33:45-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1318631839.html Duck egg that my cat brought home text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1317051655.html Dear Whore of Lucifer: <br> <br> I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions: <br> <br> Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you. <br> <br> Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one. <br> <br> Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials. <br> <br> Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older. <br> <br> Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants. <br> <br> Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it. <br> <br> For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T05:02:23-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1317051655.html To my cockroach ex-wife text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future late 20/early 30 Hipster Neighbor from the Mid-west/South/Idaho: <br> <br> I know you are the coolest kid in Iowa/Ohio/Idaho/Texas/Florida/etc but... <br> <br> While scanning CL for a cool vintage apartment near Hawthorne or Alberta, a sweet barista job and a new fixie to ride around on once you arrive, please reconsider your decision, and please do not move here. <br> <br> There aren’t any jobs for the people who already live here. Word on the street is that your Stumptown barista job won’t last once people find out you are a 30-something college graduate from Ohio. <br> <br> I heard the eastside is going to break off from the Willamette River and will soon become part of the Couve (aka you will live in something similar to where you currently live, but rainier)…. <br> <br> Plus, living in the Pearl or NW is too expensive for your $9/hour barista job. And no cool hipsters live on the SW Side. <br> <br> Regards, <br> <br> Your previous future neighbor <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T01:38:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future Hipster Neighbor text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1316839187.html To the average observer I am an optimistic 32 year old woman who was raised by two wonderful parents, who holds a job, enjoys a drink from time to time, laughs out loud, is independent, has a strong desire to achieve in her life, works hard, appreciates her friends and family, has strong convictions, is compassionate, and honestly is a great person. People enjoy my optimistic, happy go lucky attitude. My sense of humor, all be it unique, has offered many laughs, sore bellies, and tired cheeks; life tends to be a perpetual comedy show from my perspective. In my career I have grown quickly within organizations, my natural leadership qualities pulling me to the top as if floatation devices in the sea of corporate bliss are attached to my work product. I live a healthy lifestyle – I eat right, skip the desserts most of the time, indulge on occasion, run approximately 25 miles a week, kayak, love to camp, love to cook, and I’m not afraid of a little dirt under my nails. Throughout my years I have changed my own flat tire, babysat children, fixed the kitchen sink plumbing, hugged my mother and father, renovated a house, cleaned toilets, supported my brother and sister, tended to a garden, bantered with the neighbors, dressed up for a night at the theatre, and spent time at professional networking events. People have told me I’m quite the “catch” yet I am modest by nature. I’ve been in relationships and I have never strayed - never even considered it, as I’m quite the believer in love. <br> <br> To the average observer, I am normal – for lack of a better word. Only I know the truth. <br> <br> I’m a craigslist slut. I can’t help it and I have had quite a bit of fun along the way. I have responded to personal ads, and even posted a few of my own – all casual encounters, mind you. Some of the men lack the intelligence to keep my mind engaged in simple email banter, so I politely tell them “thank you but no thank you.” Some men I simply email with; some men I have met. I’ve fucked younger guys (who are fun in their own innocent way, even though they think they are badass lovers – it’s cute and endearing) and older guys (there’s some fucking sensual, talented men out there) and guys around my own age (got to love the pussy hungry 30/40-somethings). <br> <br> Some of the men I’ve met are good looking, some super effing hot. Some of them are not even close to what their pictures represent. Some of them are weirdos, complete effing weirdos and some of them are your average American males. Some of them can fuck; some of them could not fuck. One guy shaved his entire body, entirely. One guy probably never trimmed his pubs once in his life. One man I met had a huge cock, but could not keep it up and hard when it came to actually inserting it into my pussy. He preferred to jerk off and have me watch. Amusingly I watched, and let him cum on my face. I found this weird, but he got off, so I let him think I was having as much fun as he was. He could lick pussy, so I wasn’t complaining, either. Another man I met for drinks and he went down on me in the parking lot. We met another time at his place and fucked for hours. He could also lick pussy. One guy wanted me to fuck him with a strap on – so I did. I thoroughly enjoyed it – now I know why you fellas like doggie style so much – what a view. One man photographed and sketched me. Another man I met had the excitement of a child on Christmas Eve. He could barely contain himself – I went to the bathroom and he was shouting “Yes! Yes! Oh my god, this is really going to happen!” to himself, not knowing I could clearly hear every single word. We made out like we were lovers in love; his touch was electrifying. He is now a Top 5 Pussy Licker in my book of lovers. <br> <br> Met one guy for drinks, he took me back to his place and never laid a hand on me. As I was getting up to go he attempted to make out; I told him not to wait until I was leaving next time. We’ll see if he calls. One guy was so fucking hot (tall, built, full of muscles, biggest cock I’ve ever had the pleasure to suck and fuck); we had wild uninhibited sex all night. He smelled so good I went to work the next day without showering so I could get a whiff of his man scent throughout the day. His pheromones were so strong I can still get wet thinking about how fantastic he smelled. I would have made him my n.s.a. lover – but strangely he never returned my callback even though he texted me the next morning and mentioned how he was still throbbing – why men do the things they do simply isn’t worth the effort to figure out. One guy met with me, and his girlfriend was (unknowingly to me) across the bar; it was a set up to see if I’d be into a threesome – I could see through their scam, but I liked their creativity so I played the dumb blonde card and let both of them lick my pussy and pinch my nipples. One guy loved nylons, so I wore a short skirt with thigh highs and let him finger me under the table at a busy restaurant; no one suspected a thing, except the waiter who winked at me on my way out the door. One guy just wanted to give me a massage; so I let him. It was so good I sucked the cum right out of his cock as a thank you. <br> <br> I’ve sucked huge cocks and not so huge cocks. I’ve had many, many orgasms. Burned many a calorie. I’ve experienced different kinds of lovers, fetishes, and sexual likes/dislikes. It has been an educational experience to say the least. I believe each situation was a win-win for the involved parties. <br> <br> I’m a self admitted Craigslist slut. Call me what you will, send me what you will – but know that honestly, I don’t give a shit what you think of me. I’m confident enough in myself that words will never hurt me. Judgments – never needed them in my life, so a judgment from a stranger means nothing to me. I’m an empowered single woman with a high sex drive; I’m simply doing the best I can to quench my sexual urges and having tons of fun along the way. I always practice safe sex. If I wanted a relationship, I could have one – but I’m enjoying my first single summer in many, many years. I’m enjoying the shit out of being a CL slut. I love my life. <br> <br> Let me close with a big ol’THANK YOU Craigslist! You have made this one hot steamy summer. I appreciate what you have done for me…… <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Craigslist Slut <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T23:34:52-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1316839187.html Confessions of a...... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html Dear Neighbor, <br> <br> Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM? At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times. Here's an idea.... WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!! I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn't help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn't work. You could probably hear your mower in space. <br> <br> Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch. For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch. <br> <br> I can't stand you. I can't stand your lawnmower. I can't stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can't stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning. The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear. <br> <br> I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit. <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Northampton <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T09:42:30-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html Dear Neighbor text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/1315015806.html You smiled, and we were stoned, so we just kept walking. This is sad in retrospect, because you're literally the most beautiful woman I've seen in some arbitrarily quantified span of time. <br> <br> When we asked the small, hairy Middle-Eastern attendant inside what he thought of you, he waxed poetic: <br> <br> "She's gorgeous," he said. "Just gorgeous." <br> He had good taste in women for sure. It also seems that he had given some thought to what he would do if you were his lady: <br> "I would lick her from top to bottom for six hours," and he made the licking motion with his tongue, his head, and even his hands. It was mostly haunting, but also strangely erotic. <br> Though I agreed that I too would lick you, I contested the length of time I'd spend doing it. I suggested that 45 minutes to an hour should be more than sufficient. And then if she's not totally disgusted, we would probably move on to more sexually gratifying activities (like blow js and fingerings). <br> Then the Middle Eastern attendant asked me while stroking his graying Bin-Laden beard "What do you think this is for?" <br> I stood there for a good 20 seconds, and then I told him I honestly had no idea. So he made the same motion as before but with his beard instead of his tongue. After suppressing my gag-reflex, I told the man I admired his candor and his ambition and to have a nice night. <br> <br> The funny part is that when I think about what you looked like, I see your long tan legs, floral print summer dress, stunning smile, and the Middle Eastern man rubbing his beard and tongue all over all of it (for some reason the Middle Eastern man licks your dress too in this strange fantasy). <br> <br> So I guess what I'm saying is, if by some mad chance you read this, please email me to tell me how violated you feel, and how I can somehow see you again. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Off of Sawmill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T02:09:06-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/1315015806.html Two Stoned Dudes - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/iac/1314152360.html You were at the library today at about 12:30. I really like how you had your ipod so loud that people across the room could hear it. Deaf girls really appeal to me, and you'll doubtlessly be one, some day. <br> You were listening to banal hip-hop--I could make out some of the lyrics. You went and sat by people who were silently reading, and I think your total disregard for their peace was hot. <br> <br> When you answered your phone to talk inarticulately to your friend about your embarrassing (although you didn't seem embarrassed, and I like that) drinking binge, I knew I had to try and contact you through this site. <br> <br> Anyway, I hope you get this. I really like how socially inept and oblivious to other people you are. Hopefully we can meet up and go somewhere and be unwittingly obnoxious together. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Public Library Iowa City <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-09T13:37:33-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/iac/1314152360.html Loud (and Hot) Library Spectacle - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1309403657.html Hi. Even for Craig's List, this is going to be a strange ad. But I promise, it's legit. <br> <br> I'm a single, straight guy, in my early 40’s, recently moved to NYC, with almost no social circle here (and, even worse, I work on my own). No history of mental illnesss, jail time or listening to country music. Moving to NY has been fantastic, but the one thing is, I have been finding it hard to meet women. So I’m doing the normal, typical, rational thing that any guy in my position would do -- <b>I'm looking to hire a female "wingman," that is, a "wingwoman," to break the ice for me in social situations.</b> <br> <br> Got your attention, didn’t I? Good. Keep reading… <br> <br> This is a real job I'm offering; it's not a personal ad in disguise. I'm also not a journalist trolling for a story, a Nigerian scamster, or a reality show producer. Perhaps more surprisingly, I'm also not a freak, weirdo or serial killer - I am just not good at walking up to a woman I don't know and getting beyond "Hi" and I want to do something about it. <br> <br> This would be a part-time, occasional gig. Get-togethers would be in Manhattan or occasionally Brooklyn; sometimes afternoons, sometimes evenings. (Generally speaking, NOT in bars or nightclubs. I am more of a <a href="http://hellskitchenfleamarket.com/fleamarket/index.php">HK Flea Market</a> / <a href="http://www.greenfleamarkets.com/">Greenflea</a> / <a href="http://www.themoth.org/about">Moth</a> / <a href="http://nymag.com/listings/nightlife/big-terrific/">Big Terrific</a> / <a href="http://new.lincolncenter.org/live/index.php?option=com_content&amp;view=article&amp;id=167&amp;Itemid=69">Midsummer Night Swing</a> type of guy. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/31/movies/31grant.html?_r=1&amp;hp">This</a> is also my kind of thing.) Probably 2-5 hours per stint. We would only meet in public places and I would pay you ($20/hour) cash. <br> <br> And you don't have to be single or even "unattached" to apply - there's no "hanky panky" involved. (I really don’t care if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other, as long as that person knows about and is cool with the situation.) <br> <br> If you want to know more details about the arrangement, check out these articles: <br> <br> <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/10/fashion/10WING.html?pagewanted=print&amp;position=">Are You With Him? Why Yes, Want to Date Him?</a> <br> <br> <a href="http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2008/feb/13/wingwomen/?print">Wingwomen</a> (8 pages long) <br> <br> I am <b>NOT</b> looking to looking for someone to “lure” 100 unsuspecting women my way so I can sleep with and then dump them. This is SO not about that. At this point in my life, I’m not looking for 100 women, I’m looking for ONE special one. This is all about Quality Over Quanity. <br> <br> And I’m probably going to hire several different “wingwomen,” part-time, depending on who’s interested in doing what kinds of things. <br> <br> <strong>Please, please, please – only reply to this posting if the following description matches you pretty much exactly:</strong> <br> <br> (1) Reading this post, you first thought, "This MUST be a scam or a gag." Then after you read it some more, you started to think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this..." <br> <br> (2) You then thought to yourself, "Huh, this TOTALLY describes me. You mean I can get PAID for this...?" (Very possibly, a friend forwarded you this post with the subject heading, “This job was made for you!”) <br> <br> (3) You appreciate the inherent ridiculous of this whole concept, but are nevertheless intrigued. In fact, assuming that I am not a freak or a weirdo, this sounds like the <u>most</u> <u>fun</u> <u>job</u> <u>ever</u>. <br> <br> (4) You are an adventurous person. You are not afraid to try new things. <br> <br> (5) You have a good sense of humor and probably don't take yourself too seriously. <br> <br> (6) You are a socially outgoing, and socially-savvy, person. <br> <br> (7) Your natural modesty aside, you know that you’re very, very smart. (Minimum requirement: you know the difference between your, you're and yore.) (If you can use affect and effect as both a noun and a verb, let’s just skip the wingwomaning and elope.) You may have a day job for the money, and one or two side projects going on involving something you're really interested in. <br> <br> (8) You're discreet and not a gossip. I plan to keep your involvement confidential, I expect you to do the same for mine. This is NOT something for you to write about, even in your blog. It's private. Really. <br> <br> (9) You are looking for some part-time, occasional work - afternoons and/or evenings and/or weekends. <br> <br> (10) <b>You are 30-something or older.</b> (It will be weird if you are young enough to be my daughter.) Okay, weird<i>er.</i> <br> <br> Okay, by this point, Gentle Reader, I figure you're thinking one of 3 things: <br> <br> (A) "This guy is REALLY wacko." <br> <br> (B) "Yeah, this is something I could do, I guess. How hard could it be?" <br> <br> (C) "Oh. My. God. THIS JOB WAS MADE FOR ME! <u>That is <i>so</i> bizarre</u>!" (But in a good way.) <br> <br> <b>IF - AND PLEASE, ONLY IF - YOU ARE ONE OF THE TINY GROUP OF PEOPLE IN CATEGORY C, I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU. </b> <br> <br> If you'd like to apply for the gig, send me an email telling me about yourself and please include a photo. If you're embarrassed, scared or weirded out, you don't have to include your real name, but please be honest about everything else. <strong>If you're going to apply, PLEASE spend a little time telling me about yourself - just one or two lines isn't going to do me (or you) any good.</strong> If your photo is too large to be sent to the Craig's List email address, you can <b>email me directly at docinnyc at Hotmail.</b> If all goes well, we can meet at some centrally-located, well-lit coffee shop (with plenty of escape routes) and check each other out, and if we're both satisfied, we can take it from there. <br> <br> Thanks for reading! <br> <br> Doc <br> <br> <strong>PS...</strong> <br> <br> A few notes... <br> <br> <b>If you feel you aren't the right gal for me, but you KNOW the right gal for me - in either sense - yes, by all means, go ahead and forward her this ad. (Your Maid of Honor status is guaranteed.)</b> <br> <br> By popular request, I've now set up a <a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1806505644&amp;v=info">Facebook profile</a>. Feel free to send me a friend request. However, please don't JUST send me a link to your Facebook profile, and don't JUST "friend" me out of the blue - if you're interested in the position, <u>you have to send me an email</u> so I can keep track of things. <br> <br> Please don't just reply with a bunch of photos. I'm not looking for a model! <br> <br> <strong>Please don't reply WITHOUT including a photo. Sorry, I won't be opening any such emails. Promise.</strong> <br> <br> This is not a scam, so please don’t write me saying, "I think this is a scam, but I'm applying for the job anyways…" (That doesn’t even make any sense!!!) If you think this is a scam, God bless you, but <u>just don't write me</u>. <u>Please</u>. I'm looking for someone who reads the post and says, "I get it. This will be fun." If that wasn't your reaction, then this gig is <i>not</i> for you. <br> <br> (BTW, what sort of scam could it be, anyways? What's my Evil Master Plan? To lure you to a crowded Starbucks and spill a latte on you? Why??? No wait – DON'T ANSWER THAT. Never mind.) <br> <br> Also, please don't send me hate mail. Really, is there any point? (Okay, if you absolutely MUST send me hate mail, please at least make it direct and to the point. A simple, "I hate you, you are a monster!" will more than suffice.) <br> <br> And finally, just to clear things up, I am NOT actually a doctor. (Several people inquired in their emails.) "Doc" is an old nickname of mine (mostly because I've always had a knack for solving *other* people's problems, strangely enough). Sorry if that was misleading (or if you were trying to hook up with a single doctor). <br> <br> Thank you for reading my novel-length post. The audiobook and Kindle versions will be available soon. <br> <br> Bye! <br> <br> Doc <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> For search: part time, part-time, parttime, sales, acting, actor, actress, model, modeling, Pilates, student, social, pickup, dating, coach, coaching, waitress, dog walker, dogwalker, dog-walker, tutor, dance, dancer, dancing, promotions, promote, promoting, writer, editor, researcher, fact check, factcheck, fact-checker, factcheck, bartender, bartending, interesting, Girl Friday, assistant, personal assistant, Gal Friday, stylist, nanny, housesit, housesitter, housesitter, house sit, house-sit, house-sitter, fact check, factchecker, freelance, copwriter, copyedit, copy edit, copyeditor, copy editor, I can't believe you've read this far, you really really need to move to the next post, look i'm telling you this as a friend, you've got to move on, thank you Lord it's about time <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Manhattan/Brooklyn <li> Compensation: $20/hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-06T15:42:31-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1309403657.html Need Gal for Unique (Legit) Part-Time Position text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bln/1308546661.html Reverse engineered a Sybian. Need test riders in the next 30 days. No cameras. No internet BS. No sex acts expected other than with the machine. I don't want to have to watch 400lbs of jello sitting on an industrial strength vibrator. Please don't try to add nausea to what will already be a frustrating experience. Single would probably be a good idea. Shyness is not a quality that would suit you well. Once again, no pics or anything like that. Just ride the S.O.B. and tell me if it works. Interested parties should send a picture. Sorry to seem picky, but I'm the one that's got to sit through this. I should at least get to look at pretty for my frustration. I don't expect testing to take long. It won't be hard to tell if it works or not. If functional, the device should hit ebay within a couple of weeks. If you have security concerns, you're more than welcome to bring backup. Oh yeah. Only 18 or older please. Prison isn't on my list of things to do this year. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Decatur <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-06T05:27:38-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bln/1308546661.html Generic Sybian Manufacturer text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1306619502.html Driver in N.Y. wreck that killed 8 was intoxicated <br> <br> Im sure other people on this board must have seen it as well. I was drvivng home from my summer house upstate. There was a 10 minute rain storm so everyone slowed down, then the rain stopped and everyone sped up again.... Suddenly about a mile from the turn to get on the sawmill, cars just stopped . Brake lights as far as I could see. Stopped in the middle of a three lane highway...There were trees in the median bewtween the north and southbound lanes, and behind the tress was a huge, black plume of smoke going up into the sky. I was on a motorcycle, so i could go between the cars and move up to see what happened. Once I came around the bend, off to the side of the southbound lane, a mini van was upside down, completly engufled in flames. I could feel the heat from the flames as I pulled by. Hundreds of people were running from both sides of the North and South lanes of the Taconic. I pulled over and got off my bike, and try to take in what was happening. <br> <br> The burning mini van was popping and sparking every once in a while, I assume something inside was making small explosions as they caught fire. I pulled behind a white van on the side of the highway, a Chinese man got out and was talking to me but frankly i cant remember a word we said to each other. About 20 feet from the burning mini van, there were clusters of people kneeling around what I assumed were the crash victims. Every 10 feet or so, there was another cluster, kneeling down. <br> Each one had a person pumping the chest of the victims while the other people were helping any way the can. Everyone was running with they're cellphones screaming frantically. <br> <br> I noticed what looked like a station wagon, across the median. The entire front was smashed to the point where you wondered where the hell the engine could have gone. it looked like the cars front began at the front seat. I noticed the cluster of people closest to me, probably 15 feet away, and I saw a pair of tiny blue shorts, and small legs sticking out from the group of people. I knew it was a child, and as the father of a 6 year old daughter, I knew it was a girl. I couldnt see her face, only her blue shorts and her legs. Nothing was moving. A man in a white shirt was pumping her chest, and screaming for help. I thought for a moment of walking over to see what i could do, but it was so chaotic, and there were so many people already. People just abandoned theyre cars on the highway and ran to help. I looked at her legs, and there wasnt a scratch on them. I looked at the man pumping her chest, with the white shirt on. Every so often he'd turn to scream something, and there was no blood on the front of his shirt.I thought about what she may have looked like from the waist up, and I'm really glad I never got to see her face. <br> There was one cop there when I arrived, and you could see on her face, that she was really freaking out. She must have just pulled up before I got there and was assesing the situation. I'll never forget the look of panic on her face. One man ran passed us and got a first aid kit out of his trunk. All this happened in probably 4 minutes. Now you could hear people screaming to get back in they're cars because the fire engines couldn't get through . The fire engine was stuck behind all the cars on the Northbound side. Sirens and lights wailing.. An EMS guy jumped from the fire truck and started running towords the scene, screaming into his walkie. <br> I noticed a man leaning against his car weeping. Total strangers were coming up to him and huggin him, and by his body language and his movements of what he was describing, I knew he was one of the people that pulled these kids out of that burning car. He was inconsolable. So were the people hugging him. I got back on my motorcycle, and turned on to the Sawmill, back to NY. I saw her legs and blue shorts over and over again. i could not get them out of my head. I pulled over a mile down the road, got of my bike and starting crying harder then I've cried in a long time. I've been a New Yorker for 23 years. It takes a lot to shock or disturb us, but holy shit , this disturbed me. <br> <br> <br> It was a horrible thing to see. It's effected me in a surprising way, still is a week later. I have a daughter, and the thought of course thats been running through my head, along with the never ending vision of those little blue shorts, and pale white legs, not moving, it could have been her. In my dreams when i see the man in the white shirt pumping her chest, i walk over and see my daughters face. Not a scratch on her, just eyes closed as if shes sleeping. I imagine thats what that little girl looked like while they were desperatly trying to get her to breathe. <br> <br> I rode by the spot yesterday coming back from upstate again. Theres a big chunk of earth where the mini van rolled and scorched grass where it sat and burned. I thought I saw a cross with some flowers on it , but I wasnt sure. <br> <br> As the facts come out about what really happened, and turns out this woman was drunk, and high, I'm torn between anger and incredible sadness. Anger as an adult and father, who's sole purpose in life is to protect, and teach my child right from wrong. Anger having seen a dead child laying in the middle of the median, knowing that child was probably singing or playing with her doll, having no concept she was going the wrong way on a fucking highway, trusting her mother. Completely innocent. My God, I hope 4 those girls died on impact. Never knowing what hit them. I can honestly say, having sene that wreckage, they must have. <br> <br> Sadness as a husband and father. This man will now have to explain to his only living son, what happened to his mother and his sisters one day. Not to mention the aunts and uncles of the nieces she also killed. <br> <br> If anyone from these shattered families do read this, you have my deepest sympathy . Its little help but try to take some solace in the fact that hundreds, and I mean hundreds of people ran to help as best they could. It was utter chaos, but these people had the instinct and bravery to jump out of theyre cars, and run to a burning car to pull everyone out. They did the best they could with the little they had. It was truly inspiring...... <br> <br> I will NEVER get the image of those little blue shorts, and legs out of my head......I don't have some big message to end on or a moral of any kind. I'm simply getting what I saw off my chest, though it will be with me for the rest of my life. <br> <br> Thanks for listening. <br> <br> Peace <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-05T01:46:21-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1306619502.html I saw that crash on the Taconic last Sunday... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1304135466.html Are you tired of all those other men who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before he gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss! <br> <br> Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment! <br> <br> I've slashed my hopes for finding Ms. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your latest shopping excursion? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting! <br> <br> It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexuality—absolutely free! <br> <br> But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying! <br> <br> How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 28-year-old frame and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for anyone under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of women could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do. <br> <br> I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go! <br> <br> Now, I know some men might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not me a half hour before closing time at Jack of the Wood! I recently found out my ex-girlfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to you—the good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Hairy thighs?? One-bedroom apartment with dad? No hablas inglés? If you've got a minute to speak to me and a pulse, let's make a deal and get me inside you immediately. <br> <br> I'm practically giving myself away! <br> <br> How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes? <br> <br> Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Asheville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-03T17:54:22-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1304135466.html Take advantage of my new lowered standards! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1303723482.html Ok.. this is going to sound a little crazy...but here's the deal. I'm turning 40, and I live downtown in a loft...and I'm having a huge party....no, I mean a HUGE party....I'm expecting 100 people and a lot of shit talking. <br> <br> Since I'm world famous for my parties (it's my ad, I can make shit up).. I'm really trying to out do myself. Therefore, I though it would be cool to have roller skating waitresses (since the loft has cement floors)...to skate around and hand out h'ordourves to all the cats that attend this bash. <br> <br> so.. I'm looking for friendly, outgoing..and somewhat sexy roller skating models (I mean this is LA.. I'm not that out of control)...to mingle and flirt with my guests and generally have a good time. <br> <br> I can guarantee you that this is the baddest party you will ever attend...let alone work.. and since my friends are mostly broke motherfuckers.. they are going to eat all the food in the first 90 mins... so you will then be getting paid to skate and drink and crash into my furniture.... <br> <br> This party is happening on August 29th, 2009 <br> <br> here's what matters: <br> <br> 1) you have a sense of humor. I'm like hella sarcastic and so are most of my peeps.. if you can't take a joke...it's gonna suck. <br> <br> 2) You need to look good in a skirt. Look I'll be honest.. I only turn 40 once.. and I'm planning on destroying most of my ability to remember what the fuck happened (esp. if the cops come)..but it would be nice to be in awe of how awesome you look in a skirt... <br> <br> 3) You must be sane. Don't get me wrong.. I love crazy women.. almost married one...but not drunk on skates in my house. <br> <br> 4) You must have some cool friends... cause if you get this gig.. I'll ask you to invite some of your peeps (cause the more the merrier and I think it'll be less weird...if there are some people there that you know. <br> <br> 5) you have to have you own skates (ok.. I realize this is not the 70's.. and this is the film industry.. .if you are really interested.. I can find you a pair of skates.....but the looking hot in a skirt thing is still non-negiotable) <br> <br> please respond with your name, age, city you live in, recent pic and your personal assessment of your roller skating abilities. Also, sexy comes in a lot of flavors...so just believe in yourself... if I was looking to book a 6 pack of well endowed blondes...I would have stated that in my ad. <br> <br> laters <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Downtown <li> Compensation: $20/hr...two hr min... 5 hr max <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-03T11:34:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1303723482.html Wanted - Rollerskating waitresses text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html You were the attractive woman in her teens. I was the unattractive older man who you walked by on the sidewalk. I was the one who shouted, "Wanna know what it feels like to be a woman? I've got what you need girl!" Or something to that effect. Then I think I hip thrusted a few times, laughed, and high-fived the guys with me. <br> <br> I would like to apologize for my rude and unacceptable behavior. I've never been very good with women. The guys with me were good people, but most of us have been hurt terribly in the past by our girlfriends and wives, so we've rationalized our failures and bad upbringing by embracing a chauvinistic, male dominant ideal. As for myself, I'm afraid I have come to embody my father, who's love I always sought even though he consistently beat and humiliated my mother. For perpetuating a terrible male stereotype and allowing this crime to continue into my generation, I am absolutely and eternally sorry. I just want you to know, that while I find you very attractive and acted crudely and violently to indicate my favor, it was not a personal attack. In the only way I had been taught, I was trying to tell you that I thought you were beautiful. I'm sorry that I took away your smile. I'm sorry that I objectified you. This life I've built for myself will leave me unhappy and alone. In my later years, I will atone for my sins in solitude. But for now, without the will to change and without the courage to challenge my nature, all I have to offer you is this anonymous apology. It is sincere, and while I do not expect you to forgive me, I ask only that you try to understand. Though my nature is wretched, and my actions are cruel, underneath I am just a frightened boy. Just a boy who was taught to be the wrong kind of man. I wish you happiness and prosperity young lady. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T22:48:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/1302135864.html 1. If you are under under 30, you must wear men's shorts, a polo shirt (popped collar optional), Air Jordan's, and either a backwards baseball cap or a bandana. If you are over 30, you may keep the shorts and polo, but you must trade in your Jordans for some really awful sandals. You must also tuck in your polo shirt and wear your cellphone clipped to your belt. <br> <br> 2. If you are under 30, you can hang out at Bronz, the Dock, or Yadda. If you are under 40, you can hang out at Blue Bar. If you're 40+, you are hereby banished to Rosie's. <br> <br> 3. If you are reading this, I probably know you. You are either my ex, my ex's ex, a friend's ex, an ex's friend, or someone I met off of here and eventually quit talking to (or who quit talking to me after they started dating my ex, or my friend, or my friend's ex, or my ex's ex...) <br> <br> 4. You must complain about how all of the hot chicks are straight. You must also brag about your conquests over the straight girls. <br> <br> 5. You must be vegetarian or vegan. If you aren't, you've at least tried it once. <br> <br> 6. You must own either a cat or a dog. Most likely, you own both. <br> <br> 7. If you live a half an hour or more outside of the city, you inevitably don't have a car. You will always only date women who drive because they will always have to drive your ass around. <br> <br> 8. At some point, you've probably dated someone from Dayton, Lexington, or Louisville because you were tired of the lack of lesbians in Cincinnati. <br> <br> 9. You either despise Wal-Mart or you love it. There is no in-between. <br> <br> 10. You complain about how no one ever approaches you, yet you've never tried approaching anyone either. <br> <br> 11. You claim to not like butch girls, but you only date butch girls. <br> <br> 12. There are only 10 hot lesbians in Cincinnati. They all know each other and they only date within their circle. Good luck breaking into it. <br> <br> 13. Either you love going to the bars because you're in a clique, or you hate going because everywhere is too clique-y. <br> <br> 14. Lesbians over 40 all look exactly the same. I'm not sure how you find your friends in Rosie's. It must get confusing when you walk in on a crowded night. Oh, and apparently mullets are still acceptable as long as you're over 50. <br> <br> 15. There are only two kinds of lesbians. "Ghetto" lesbians and "non-conformist"/artist/musician/activist lesbians. Choose wisely which one you will become, as once you've made your choice, you may only associate with lesbians of the same species. <br> <br> 16. I'm not sure if there is a rule that states that at least 90% of a city's lesbian population must be overweight or not. If there is, Cincinnati definitely meets those requirements. <br> <br> 17. If you were offended by #16, you are a lesbian. If you thought it was funny, you're bi (and therefore shallow). <br> <br> 18. If you laughed at the ending remark in #17, you're a lesbian. Everyone knows that Cincinnati lesbians have it out for the bi girls. You've probably also assumed that the mystery author of this post is a shallow, narcissistic, bi girl. Nope. I'm just a lesbian with a sense of humor. <br> <br> 19. The activist in you refuses to laugh at any of this and is tempted to flag it. <br> <br> 20. If you are under 30, you must have a tattoo. If you are over 30, you probably have at least one, but any that you do have are probably awful. It's highly likely that there is a wolf tattooed on you somewhere. <br> <br> 21. If you are butch, you claim not to be butch. You probably say something to the extent of "I don't like subscribing to any labels. I'm just me." I'm sorry honey, but you're butch. Get over it. You get all of the hot girls anyway. <br> <br> 22. You must be best friends with your ex and then forever be jealous of anyone they date after you. <br> <br> 23. You've been cheated on. Fact: every lesbian in Cincinnati has been cheated on. <br> <br> 24. Even if you never graduated, you probably went to school for art, criminal justice, or political science. <br> <br> 25. At some point you either worked at Applebee's, UDF, some sort of place involving animals (ie: vet clinic, shelter, etc.), or were a security guard. <br> <br> 26. If you're from Ohio, you drink a lot of tea. If you're from Kentucky, you drink a lot of beer. <br> <br> 27. All lesbians in Cincinnati dance exactly the same way. <br> <br> 28. There are only two genres of music. Hip hop or Ani. <br> <br> 29. "Friends with benefits" always comes with some sort of emotional attachment. <br> <br> 30. Scarves: No longer a winter accessory. Now a year-round fashion statement! <br> <br> 31. There is a very real chance that your name is Amy, Amber, April, Jessica, Sara/h, or Nikki. <br> <br> <br> <br> Feel free to send me suggestions for adding to the list. Or to send me hate-mail. Either way, it's nice to have new messages in my inbox =) <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Cincinnati <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T16:05:27-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/1302135864.html Lesbianism in Cincinnati text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1301926277.html I am giving fair warning to all that I will be flagging people who post ads that list ridiculous keywords. I am tired of this shit. I am legitimately looking for a place to live and these posts are getting in the way of my search. I am looking for a specific place to live and your trash ads pop up every time. Obviously, that pisses me off. An example is given below: <br> <br> This ad is for people interested in 1BR, 2BR, 3BR, 4BR, 5BR, 6BR, 7BR, 8 BR, 98112, 98122, 98105, 98103, Capitol Hill, Capital Hill, First Hill, First Hill, Beacon Hill, Queen Anne, Fremont, Wallingford, University District, University of Washington, UW, apartment, condo, bedroom, room, townhouse, U-Village, U-District, Madrona, Laurelhurst, Downtown, Belltown, Leschi, Madison Park, Eastlake, Westlake, Seattle School district, University of Washington, Seattle Pacific University, Garfield High School, Hamilton International Middle School, John Hanford International Elementary, Garfield High School - Accelerated Progress Program for especially gifted students, interstate 5, I5, I-5, 5, I-90, I-405, Hamlin, Roanoke, Eastlake Ave, Fairview Ave, 5th Ave Theatre, University Village, Starbucks, Voxx, Innovative Fitness, Broadway Video, Fairview Park, Gas Works, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Quick Stop Grocery, Lake Union, Seattle Center, EMP, Seattle Art Museum, Greenlake Golf course, Seattle Center, Queen Anne Pool, Seahawks, Sonics, Microsoft, Amazon, Public Transit, Seattle Streetcar, Sea-Tac, Bellevue, Renton, Auburn, Kirkland, Issaquah, Vancouver, Portland, Spokane, Outback, Red Robin, Harborview Medical Center, Bank of America, Northeast, East of Lake Union, Pacific Place, Nordstrom, Macys, cats, dogs, cat, dog, rabbits, reptiles, birds, pet friendly, new property, YMCA, city hall, Main Street, bus, bus station, train, train station, Amtrak, airport, public library, library, fire station, hospital, police department, night life, nightlife, bar, club, golf, room, 1x1, 2x2, 2x1, laundry, W/D, wd, D/W, dw, <br> <br> I mean, seriously? Whoever posted this should be dragged out into the streets and shot while everyone claps and cheers. So, said poster, you should realize that you are not going to find a tenant unless you stop pulling shit like this. In fact, I stop looking at ads immediately if I see this. I guess some landlords posting on here don’t realize that not only are they placing ad to rent out an apartment but they are also making a first impression on a potential renter. I would not, under any circumstances, want to rent a place from someone who posts and ad like that. <br> <br> You can flag my ad if you want, but I am just trying to be a fair person. I am giving prior warning to the brainless fuckers out there that think it is okay to do things like this. If you flag it, they will not receive this message. <br> <br> Good luck to those of you that are looking for an apartment/house. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Seattle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T10:55:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1301926277.html Keyword happy jerks text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1301805336.html Firewood <br> <br> Firewood is sold by a measurement called the “cord.” A <br> cord is 128 cubic feet of firewood. To be sure you have <br> a cord, stack and measure the wood. For example, a <br> cord of firewood can be stacked into a pile that is: <br> 4 feet wide, 4 feet high and 8 feet long <br> (4 x 4 x 8 = 128); or <br> 2 feet wide, 4 feet high and 16 feet long <br> (2 x 4 x 16 = 128). <br> A cord of wood can be stacked in other arrangements <br> as long as the width times the height multiplied by the <br> length (all in feet) equals 128 cubic feet. <br> Ensure you’re getting what you pay for by: <br> • Not buying from sellers using terms like <br> “truckload,” “face cord,” “rack” or “pile.” <br> • Asking the seller to stack the wood (you may have <br> to pay extra for this service) or stack the wood <br> yourself. <br> • Getting a receipt showing the seller’s name, <br> address and phone number, the price, and the <br> amount and kind of wood. Record the license <br> number of the delivery vehicle. <br> • Measuring the wood pile before using any wood. <br> Photograph it if you think it measures less than <br> a cord. <br> • Contacting the seller before burning any wood if <br> you feel there is a problem. If the problem cannot <br> be resolved, contact your weights and measures <br> office before burning any wood. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Lehigh Valley <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T12:40:40-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1301805336.html FIREWOOD "Notice to Pennsylvania Firewood Buyers" text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1301201987.html This is a REAL quest for love from a Cherokee boy that lives in the central Oklahoma metro area. I am going to say whatever I want to say, not only in this letter, but during the relationship as well. I am doing this because love is accepting EVERYTHING about the person. There may be times of disagreement in love, but its love, real true love, then the disagreement will never outweigh or change the fact that u still love that person with all your heart mind and soul. Although I’m extremely handsome and attractive, I am purposely not including a picture in my post, because I want you to read all of it and respond to me because you accept my personality. Not my fantastic physical features. Real love is all about loving that persons personality. I have a ton of photos that I can send, soon after I get an email stating that you’re interested in me and that you accept my personality. If I even get 1 legit response to my post, I will respond with the intent of loving you forever and ever. Don’t step to me if you’re not ready for the same. If you have any questions, then you’re welcome to respond as well with your queries, but if u disagree with me and don’t think you can handle me, then please don’t even reply. The following letter contains info about me, followed by 2 categories. What my necessities are in a girl, and what would be beneficial in a girl. Please continue reading only if you’re wanting to experience real Cherokee love with the best lover in the world. <br> <br> Let me begin by saying that I am very, very, very, serious about love. I am the best lover in the world. Ill put myself up against anybody. Nobody is as good as me on a passionate level. I am the cockiest person you will ever meet, and I deserve the right to be cocky because I am the best. Everyone is NOT equal. If everyone was equal, then why fall for anyone who wants to love you? Im far far above everyones level of love. My love skills are proof of that. I was raised to believe I am better than everyone else, but that’s not the reason why I know its true. I know its true because it has been proven to me time after time that nobody can handle me on a passionate or emotional level. I am the best. Period. If u cant handle my cockiness or u arent ready to experience love with the best lover in the world, then please discontinue reading immediately. I already know for a fact that nobody is worthy of my love, but if I didn’t atleast attempt to allow someone to love me, then I would be doing a disservice to myself as an American Indian. <br> <br> Although nobody is worthy of my love and its automatically unfair to me on a moral level to downgrade myself and attempt to give my love to anyone due to me being above everyones level; it would also be a waste of your time when u realize that your just not good enough for me and you cant handle me. each and every girl has left me and has openly admitted that I am the best and they just arent good enough for me. they have all left me because they loved me so much and fell for me so hard, that they would rather lose me than continue living under the fact that they arent good enough for me and that I deserve somebody better. My response to them doing this is…”its ok honey, nobody is good enough for me or worth of me, so we might as well stay together because its not like anyone else is going to be able to handle me anyways” and they still leave me due to the proven fact that im just too darn good of a lover. <br> <br> So yes, I already realize that nobody is worthy of my love and its downgrading me just to ever attempt to love somebody because nobody is worthy of it, but like I said, theres still the tiniest bit of curiosity left in my mind about whether someone would ever live, love, and support me to the degree that my parents have done to me. I don’t need anyone. I will sit in my backyard and stare and the sky every night and be entire content. I never get lonely because the Cherokee Spirit is always with me. This attempt at love is not to solve loneliness, because as I just said, I never get lonely due to my Native spirituality. This is nothing more than a mere attempt to solve my curiosity about the potential of someone out there accepting me for all of my disabilities and opposing Indigenous beliefs. You must accept how good I am. you must always feel that you are the lucky one to have me. you have to feel sorry for me because of the way I have been treated due to my ethnicity and opposing beliefs, but at the same time you must also continuously worship me and realize how great of lover I am and how lucky you are to have me. I feel sorry for every girl in the world, because there are so many girls in the world, that only a small percentage of girls on earth with be able to experience love with me, the best lover in the world. But as already stated, if none of them can handle or are worthy of me anyways, then whats the point of allowing any of them the privaledge of loving me. love is really a negative equation for me any way you look at it; and that’s why I strongly suggest that everyone fall in love with a sport or some type of inanimate object that you can control. Love is dealing with another persons mind, and therefore you don’t have any control. I am all about control, and I WILL control you if you are with me. I have to be in control. If I ever see or hear u doing anything that I disagree with, or would jeopardize your health, then I am going to give you a piece of my mind because its my responsibility as your lover to care for your well being. I WILL be a daddy to you because you are my baby. Just call me daddy. <br> <br> I have no family. ALL of my family is dead. All I have is my biological mother and father. Sometimes I tell myself that I should wait until my parents are both dead until I search for love, because any love at this point in time is reducing the amount of time that I have left with my parents. I believe the Spirit will provide me with a lover only if he wants me to have one, and at the correct time that he wants me to have one. I will probably be more eager in my quest for love when both of parents are dead, because I will then have nobody except the Cherokee Spirit to love me; although nobody will ever take my parents place. Before I state my wants and needs in a girls, I suppose I still need to expose my financial, occupational, and psychological status. <br> <br> Once again, real love is all about acceptance. Accepting that person for their abilities and disabilities, no matter how severe. I have a severe social, occupational, financial, ethnic, political, psychological disability. My disability is caused from 2 things that I have absolutely no control over. The 1st reason is that I’m a Native ethnic minority living among white society. The 2nd reasoning is that I’m more talented than everyone else. People don’t like it when you’re better than them, therefore they hate on me. everyone is jealous of me because I am athletically and ethnically superior to them. so I have developed a ton of haters all around the united states, and also globally, that are jealous of the fact that I am athletically, passionately, and ethnically superior to them. these haters are not only a problem for me in daily life, but also in the workforce. I do NOT work. I will never work or be able to keep a job. But the government does pay me a grant in the mail due to my haters constantly hating on me and preventing me from getting and keeping a job. So, I am not poor because I live off the white government (the same people that have hated on me to begin with) and you won’t have to spend every penny you have just because I cant make it on my own. I can make it on my own. But I will NOT support you financially. U hold your own and I hold my own. you will always pay for your half, and you’re welcome to pay for my half if you wish, but I will NEVER pay for your half. Never. you should enjoy being in my presence, and enjoy the time and activities that we do together, not the fact that I payed for what we were doing. This is why I will NEVER pay for your half. I will pay for myself and myself only, because the way I see it is, if you were by yourself, then u would have to pay for yourself anyways, and if u gave a damn about me or enjoyed being with me, then you will still pay for yourself similar to how you would If you were alone, only it’s being in my presence is as improvision to being alone if you REALLY loved me and cared about me. so, either you can pay for yourself and be alone, or you can pay for yourself while in my presence while we’re loving each other. Either way, u pay for yourself. Your either alone, or your with the best lover in the whole wide world while your paying for yourself. <br> <br> I will end my posting with telling u my rules for what u must be, in order of importance. <br> <br> 1. You must have a strong hatred for children. U must not be a parent, expecting, or had any previous pregnancies. U also must never want kids. Ever. <br> 2. You must NOT be white or asian. Any other race is fine. My race is Cherokee. <br> 3. You must NOT be obese. U don’t have to be skinny, but if u disrespect your body, that means you’re going to disrespect me as well. <br> 4. You must be between the ages of 18 and 40. <br> 5. You must be completely realize that your dealing with the best lover in the world, and you must love me and respect me until the day that u, or I, die. Till death do us part. <br> <br> <br> Thank you for reading my post, and thank you for being either the love of my life, or just another person who has discriminated against me for being a better ethnic lover and having opposing passionate desires. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: CENTRAL OKLAHOMA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-01T20:59:09-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1301201987.html CHEROKEE BOY WHO HATES CHILDREN text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1299168393.html Week 1: Ad #1 <br> <br> Purebread Yorkie puppies for sale 6 weeks old 3 girls @ $450 2 boys @ $400!! Parents on site! Hurry these won't last!!! <br> <br> Week 2: Ad #2 <br> <br> Purebred Yorkie puppies for rehoming - eating solid food - rehoming fee applies 2 girls 2 boys!! Parents on site. These are going fast!!! <br> <br> Week 3: Ad #3 <br> Please don't flag this ad - I'm not a breeder. <br> Purebred Yorkie puppies for adoption - 8 weeks old - email about rehoming fee. 2 girls 1 boy. <br> <br> Week 4: Ad #4 <br> YOU IDIOTS ON THE CL POLICE NEED TO GET A LIFE. I AM NOT A BREEDER. IF THESE PUPPIES END UP IN THE POUND ITS YOUR FAULT. <br> Purebred Yorkie puppies for adoption - 9 weeks old - email about rehoming fee. 1 girl 1 boy. <br> <br> <br> Week 6: Ads # 5 and 6 (posted a day apart) <br> <br> Purebred Yorkie puppy for adoption - 10 weeks old - female. I have to rehome because of allergies. Rehoming fee does apply. To a good home only. <br> <br> Yorkie puppy for rehoming - 10 weeks old - male. I have to rehome because I'm moving. I hate to see this one go - rehoming fee applies to ensure a good home. <br> <br> Week 7: Ad #7 <br> <br> Pure Heart Rescue: 11 week old owner surrender purebred male Yorkie puppy. He is UTD on his shots and neutered. A vet reference and a home visit is required. Re-homing fee: $100. <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-31T15:16:44-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1299168393.html Evolution of a pet ad text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html First of all, I'm sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can't just walk up on you like that. <br> <br> I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I'd had the time to admire you just a little longer. <br> <br> The way you screamed at me, I can tell you're a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can't be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman. <br> <br> Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn't even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You're a real lady. <br> <br> In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.) <br> <br> Come on by and we'll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!) <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Abbotsford <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-30T09:56:40-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/saf/1296295384.html <table border="0"> <tr> <td><font color="teal"><h3>Manufacture </h3></font> </td> <td>Made in Atlanta, GA, 1968</td> </tr> <tr> <td><font color="teal"> <h3> Odometer </h3> </font> </td> <td>14,600 days</td> </tr> <tr> <td><h3> <font color="teal"> Hybrid Fuel Technology </font></h3> </td> <td>pepperoni vegetarian</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3><font color="teal">MPG (my preferred ground) </font></h3></td> <td>9% urban, 91% elsewhere</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3><font color="teal">Audio System </font><br> <br> </h3></td> <td>one exceptional speaker, sensitive receiver, multiple frequency scan<br> <br> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> <font color="teal"><h3>STANDARD FEATURES <br> </h3></font> <hr></td> <td> <font color="teal"><h3>67 POINT PRE-OWNED CERTIFIED INSPECTION<br> </h3></font> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td><ul> <li> hair conditioning </li> <li> &quot;your turn&quot; signals </li> <li> cat allergic converter </li> <li> self-starter </li> <li> vibram treads </li> <li> not much of an airbag </li> <li> rack and pi&ntilde;on</li> <li> minimum idle talk </li> <li>internal navigation</li> <li>love compartment</li> </ul></td> <td><ul> <li> power staring fluid </li> <li> fool filter </li> <li> recognition switch </li> <li> pistons (and pissed offs) </li> <li> gimme a break fluid </li> <li> hair filter </li> <li>no power strain</li> <li> drama-free </li> <li> smoke-free </li> <li> drug-free </li> <li> disease-free </li> </ul></td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2"> <font color="teal"><h3>OPTIONAL PACKAGES <br> </h3></font> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Off-Road Accessories</h3> add-ons for exploring the outdoors&#8212; camping, snowshoeing, hiking, stargazing, photographing </td> <td><h3>Sub-Woofer</h3> complements the role of man's best friend with leash, extra water, noseprinted windows, and scattered hair for added comfort. Wet dog scent additional charge. </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2"><font color="teal"><h3><br> MINIMUM DEMOGRAPHICS FOR SUCCESSFUL PROSPECTS<br> </h3></font> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Physical </h3></td> <td>Y chromosome; over 5'7"; fit width of coach airline seat; 30&rsquo;s-40&rsquo;s</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Cultural </h3></td> <td>adherence to strong mor&eacute; / value system; interest in the arts, reading, travel, South Park; acting goofy/corny with kids AND adults </td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Economic </h3></td> <td>FT employed and/or financially stable</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Intellectual </h3></td> <td>110% neurons firing; literate; creative; witty banter</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Spiritual </h3></td> <td>Introspective and centered; disbelief that some guy 2000 years ago died for your sins.<br> <br></td> </tr> </table><hr> <p><font color="teal">Photo ID required with detailed application. All creative responses will be responded to in a timely manner. (Try to avoid the obvious hose, pump, and purring jokes.) </font></p> <p> Since I have subsequently recieved a wide range of responses, please realize I made the effort to set myself apart from others, so try to do the same for yourself. And for those of you who are a tad jaded and have the impression that I'm soliciting something: (a) you're way off base; (b) click on that handy back button. </p> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: City Different <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-29T21:27:57-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/saf/1296295384.html sturdy chassis, lightly used (but highly driven) seeks new prospects. text