Originally Posted: 2004-01-29 17:01 (no longer live)
print

RAVE: The Spatula Saga has got to go on Best of...

This Spatula Saga is the funniest thing ever... but how ever will we log it for posterity onto Best of Craigslist? I don't think anybody here wants to vote for every single entry.

Therefore, I present a 'highlights' reel of sorts... vote away!

It all started with this poor girl's story -- unfortunately, she's probably dead serious:


My Boyfriend is Really Mean to Me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 9:50AM PST
Whenever I make my boyfriend mad (which is a lot), he hits me. Specifically, he hits me on the nose. With a spatula. I don't know how it all started, but the first time I really remember it, we were hanging around the store his parents own, and he was staring at me angrily and then he said, "You know what really bugs me about you?" and I said, "No...what?" and he said "The way you chew your gum." I thought that was rude, so I told him so, and he got up and left. He came back a couple of minutes later and without any warning hit me in the nose with a spatula he got from the back of the store.

I was in shock, being that no boyfriend has ever hit me for any reason, much less for the way I chew gum. He eventually apologized and blamed it on the fact that he was tired. I let it go (I know, I shouldn't have). Ever since then, every time he is "tired" or "hungry" or "stressed", if I do any little thing, he gets pissed and hits me with the spatula. I don't know why he uses a spatula, but that's what he does. He always has it with him now. The littlest things piss him off - the way I chew, the way I laugh, if I ask for sex too much, if I don't let him take a nap... and every time he gets mad, it's the spatula for me. It makes me feel like a puppy getting hit in the nose with a newspaper.

He always apologizes and says he will stop and for me to please give him another chance, and he will do good for awhile and then he smacks me again. I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just wondering if any other guys smack their girfriends with spatulas. Or did I find the only freak in America? Thanks.


Of course, the clever Craigslist community just could not let this one go unnoticed:

re: My boyfriend is really mean to me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 9:59AM PST
Please tell me you aren't serious. Please tell me that you would never let a man disrespect you that way. He obviously looks at you like a pet. How could you let that happen? A spatula? My god. How old are you? What happened to you that you would tolerate this??? A fucking spatula. Holy shit.

your boyfriend isn't nice to you
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 10:24AM PST
The only time being hit by a spatula is ok is when it's during sex and he's smacking your ass with it. Get a grip you dumb, dumb person.

My boyfriend is mean to me too!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 10:37AM PST
Mine doesn't hit me with a spatula though. His choice of kitchen utensil is an immersion blender. When he is really pissed he will plug it in and poke me in the nose. Damn that smarts! After that I be good.

What is all this spatula nonsense??
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 1:23PM PST
Don't women have an ounce of sense anymore?? Never will a spatula cross my nose. That is so ridiculous, I want to smack that girl with a spatula myself. Who allows someone to do that? You are just truly dumb. You'd think that spatula would have smacked some sense into you by now. WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE HIT WITH SPATULAS. Or anything for that matter. Geez people. I'm appalled.


And as the next posters prove, it isn't called RANTS and raves for nothing...

HEY SPATULA GIRL, i love you
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 10:52AM PST
i have been searching my entire life for a girl that would LET me beat the shit outta her with anything, i personally have never hit a girl, or guy for that matter, but only because i find it senseless and morally wrong. but if i could find a girl that would not only tolerate it but enjoy it enough to brag about it to strangers, fuck me, i'm in love
course dating me might be a little too much for your poor pathetic ass, cuz if i'm gonna hit anyone with anything it wouldnt be a little bitty wooden spoon, i'd break a fucking shovel over your head and bury your stupid ass with it

so do the world and favor, cut off his dick, force feed it to him with the spatula and promise us you will never ever breed.

thanks, call me


re: mean Spatula-wielding boyfriend
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 10:52AM PST
I'm going to have to agree with all the guys on this one....your boyfriend is trying to help you, and you should thank him. Most men would have moved on after you started snapping your gum, but your man chose to stick it out and train you in the right ways. It's out of love that he is disciplining you. Women are like dogs, the quickest way for them to learn something is with a little swat. We aren't talking abuse here, just a smack to get their attention and wake them up to the correct behavior. A man that didn't really love you wouldn't take the time to use the spatula. He is showing you that he is in for the long haul. Go give him a thank you blow job right now and let him know how much you appreciate his teaching. I don't use a spatula, I use an electrical cord, but a spatula is a good idea. Thanks for the hint Spatula Guy.

RE: My boyfriend is really mean to me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 10:56AM PST
uhhmm...what store do his parents own? maybe I could meet you there some time. me and him could have a spatula fight. I'll have him wimpering and pissing the floor before you can say "honey pancakes are done".


Spare the Spatula...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 11:00AM PST
and spoil the girlfriend, I say.



One brave poster claims to actually BE the spatula-wielding fiend...

RE: My boyfriend is so mean (I'M THE BOYFRIEND)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 11:30AM PST
Okay honey, its on. When I get home, I'm going to empty the fucking utensil drawer. I cannot believe you told people about the spatula. I am so pissed.

I smack her with a spatula. It's funny. She "claims" she hates it, but she knows that is the only way to keep her in check. She smacks her gums like she's 80. So fucking annoying. I smack her, and it keeps her in check.

I kinda like it. Im not a control freak, but truly, she needs the help.

Besides I don't think people on Craig's List should even give a shit. If I want to smack her, I will. So, tough guys, come on, send me the hardass emails now. Fuck you. I will do what I want. And she will continue to stay with me. Spatula or not.


... While others just get inspired

Spatulas - Cool! or not?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 12:39PM PST
Thanks for the "spatula" tip! I went home and used this same technique on my wife. I just knew it was the thing to do! This is going to solve all my problems!

At least that's what I thought. However, I have a much different perspective now that I'm in the hospital having the spatula removed from my ass!!!!


Then, in a weird non-sequiter that can only be described as 'craigslist-ian,' someone entwines an entirely different thread to the discussion, bringing the overall commentary to dizzingly new and creative heights:

RE-Should I poo on my girlfriend?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 1:31PM PST
Yes you should. Women love being pooped on. After you poop on her, flip the poop over with your spatula, then hit her on the nose with it. Then rub her nose in your poop. This is the true way to a woman's heart. Do this on Valentine's Day and you're guaranteed to get a blow job. Let us know how it all turns out!


And what kind of day would it be on craiglist if someone didn't throw the race card in?


Choke on this, Honkies
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 2:39PM PST
Are you people for real? Should you poo on your girlfriend? Spatulas? Parking Nazis? You are a bunch of certified lunatics, every last one of you. This is my first time on here, and as a proud black woman, I can't
believe my eyes. You TRY to shit on me boy, your dick will be REMOVED. Hit me in the nose with a spatula? I will flip your stupid ass with the spatula and jam it down your throat. I know a bunch of crackas are
writing this ridiculous shit. Y'all are a bunch of zip damn fools.


And finally, after MANY, MANY comments on the 'zip damn fools' comment, one intelligent poster sums it up quite nicely:


Holding My Sides.............
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-01-29, 3:54PM PST
For the love of God, people, STOP IT!!! I can't stop laughing at all this spatula/poo/zip damn fool nonsense............

This has to be one of the funniest days on R&R ever.



... Yes, it was.
























post id: 23392921